How I know my neighbor has a small penis

It's O.K. I can write this, he won't see it.

Since we moved in July none of my neighbors know that I do stand up comedy. I will keep it that way as long as possible. If they think I leave town every few weekends to sell crack I can deal with that easier than I can if they find out I'm a comic.

Whenever anyone finds out you are a comic they immediatly treat you different and do two very annoying things.

1. They always expect you to be funny.

2. They always want to tell you a joke.

(I wonder what they would do if I say I'm a proctologist)

Anyway, I digress.

So I'm talking to my neighbor the other night about to see if the water was out in the whole neighborhood or just my house. Scary thought to think it's only your house.

As it turns out it wasn't just my house.

Still, I'm digressing....

He had his backpack leaf blower on and I was saying how I'll have to get one soon since my back yard is a little mini-forest.

He proceeds to show me his old leaf blower which is similar to this one with but the extension is probably twice as long.

Come on folks, an extension about twice as long as this. How small does your penis has to be. This is only about $30,000 away from buying a Vette.

Well, since he had a new leaf blower, he asked me if I was mechanically inclined and if so I could probably get this old limp one to start.

My mechanical abilities are limited to about knowing what the difference is between a regular and flat blade screwdriver. If you ask me to get the 3/8ths wrench you would be lucky if I don't end up giving you a pair of pliers.

However, I am still male so at this point is a challenge to my man hood to get this thing to work, after all I am now the new guy on the block and this is how males in this day and age mark their territory.

So after about 2 hours on a Saturday which eventually included me using a pair of vice grips to take out the sparkplug and replacing the sparkplug with the one in my weedeater and dumping out and replacing the gas and getting a hernia from spending about an hour of that time pulling the cord I finally got it to work!

Who da man!!!!

Now this is just funny

If you read my next post it's about a leaf blower.



Well thanks to the trusty internet you'll never know what you will end up finding when you are searching for one thing.



I was doing a search for "leafblower" and this picture came up.

Damnit, I could have sworn I typed "leafblower" and not "Leaf Blower."

No offense to the Colorado Climax...

Just another quote

It's been kind of bugging me that I haven't been able to write for a while. Hopefull this is just the start of me getting back into that writing groove.

Hopefully I'll expand on this, but for now it's just another quote.

"It's the fathers of the rich, who choose to start war.
Yet the wars are fought but the sons of the poor."

Eric Kirkland

Just a quote

"A persons lack of intelligence can be directly related to how intelligent they try to prove they are."

"Eric Kirkland"

Comedy Club checklist

1. Check ligthing system..check
2. Check Microphone...check
3. Remove the Sappos sign before the black comic shows up...damn, knew we forgot something.

Yes, recently I did a show at a place called Sonny Jacks. (Sorry, if you can read the sign it's actually 'Sonny Jacks Beer Joint") It was interesting to say the least.

Before the show I'm standing outside, being gaped at by onlookers of this strange being in their town and called my wife to let her know, "I'm playing one block down the street from a grain silo"

Well before the show I noticed this "Sappo's" sign on the wall.....yeah, that made me feel comfortable. So they noticed I was taking pictures of it.

Well during the show I have this really bad habit of saying what I feel like saying so I had to bring it up.

The lady behind the bar turned about as red as the watermelon in the picture. Cool, callbacks! It ended up that the show was a lot of fun and that sign gave me about 5 minutes of new material. I think the staff was extra friendly to me the rest of the night! :-)

Huh?

So I'm currently on hold with XM Radio support. (By the way, GOD I hate these automated machines that they try to make sound like people. It's just stupid when an automated machine says things like "O.K.")

Also I'm currently on hold and you would think there would be some music playing since it's a radio station.

Anyway, I digress. The automated attendant at one point says something that really doesn't make any sense.

"While on hold you may HEAR moments of SILENCE"

Huh??

Top billing???

So I have this gig coming up in North Rose, NY at the Waypoint Inn.

It's one of the gigs I'm headlining. Normally that means you get 'top billing'. Nope, not I. I am at the bottom of the list. You may also note that the MC is at the top of the show. This is what is known in the business as, "The MC is the guy that put the show together"

I see it as, "Hey, you gave me bottom billing, therefore I have the right to suck that night!"

All in fun Steve! Looking forward to my bottom billing show that night. I think there is room in the flyer to advertise the buffett salad bar right above my name.

A Pimp named Slickback

It's been since probably the late 70's since I've seen a REAL pimpmobile. I wish I could have got some more pictures of this pimpmobile. Even the fenders on the side were raised over wheel wells .

However it's not a smart move to roll up next to a pimpmobile and start taking pictures.

O.K. that was stupid

So while I'm in St. Louis I decided it would be fun to have my wife and son come in so we could go up in the Arch.

Well we also decided to go to this place called The City Museum. Basically it's like Chuck E Cheese on steroids minus the pizza.

It's the ultimate playground and evidently the liabilty laws must be more lax in Missouri than in Ohio, the playground is basically a maze of tubes made from things like old airplane fuselages, cranes, open metal tubing, and just about anything else they could find.

It's hard to tell from this picture the following few things.

1. This pipe is about 3 stories high.

2. The picture is far away enough to hide my fear.

3. A 38 inch waist is not made to go through a 36 inch pipe.

4. My wife laughing her ass off as she was taking these pictures.

5. I think she was laughing so hard that fortunately she didn't take the picture at the end when I had to actually manuever my body in some weird positions to turn around. You see half way across this 'curved' tube you realize. "Oh crap, I'll be going down face first at the end!"

I do kind of look like Spiderman though!

O.K. if Spiderman was retarded...

Yes, you are famous!

Yes, you have on the famous Eric Kirkland "Single" T-shirt.

(Available from my website at www.thequestionmarkguy.com)

So now you have made it to my blog and newsletter whoever you are.

Even though maybe it's the way he is holding the beer but the shirt seems to be the perfect fit!

Why I like this picture

This is a picture from Goonies in Rochester, MN. What a great club!

This is a picture of myself, Darryl Rhoades, and Kevin (whose last name I forget, imagine that, me forgetting someones name again)

Anyway, Kevin is a really cool dude who actually was once in a gang but is turning his life around and is funny dude. I really give him props for making a change to put is life in a better direction. That makes me proud to know him.

Now, back to this picture. First off, I'm really digging my $2.00 Superman hat I picked up at Wal-Mart. Now, remember Kevin is the tough one and Darryl and I are two of the nerdiest people you'll probably ever meet.

It must have been the peer pressure that made us both try, and the key word is try, to look tough. I don't know what Darryl is doing with his hands. Kind of has the look of he's trying to tell the woman that is taking the picture, "Yeah, it's this big!"

Meanwhile Kevin is the only one with a smile on his face....go figure!

The Taproom

Dobie Maxwell, one of my good friends in the biz, and judging by his glasses on the table also one of the blindest people in the biz, B.J, and myself at the Taproom in Duluth, MN.

This phot is to prove that I actually do have more than two hockey jerseys to wear.

The Spermmobile

During my recent trip to Minnesota I got in a day earlier than the comic I was working with, Darryl Rhoades.

He arrived at the airport and asked me what kind of car to look out for.

I told him I would be in the sperm colored Mitsibushi Galant.

So, for those of you that saw the shows in Minnesota this this the now famous Spermmobile. (copyright 2007 Eric Kirkland)

It became the running gag with us that week that whenever we had to go somewhere the saying was, "Quick! To the Spermmobile!" (Because we are both so mature)

I even ended up talking about the Spermmobile on stage. It may stay in the act.

Darryl had a good line about it one night. I was up on stage before him talking about the Spermmobile and somewhere during his show he had a line of, "The way I'm feeling I could put a new coat of paint on the Spermmobile."

The reason I had to drive the Spermmobile is I made my reservations for an economy car and the ONLY economy car on the lot was a Chevy Aveo Hatchback.

Now, I'm not picky and actually prefer a small car, especially in Minnesota where the gas was two sixty friggin five a gallon. The problem with this car was, well you see the back of the back wheel. From there behind is the trunk space. Now that would be fine if there was two people travelling and all we had to pack with us was a grapefruit, or maybe two. Two would be a stretch though. The lot had NO other economy cars except for one PT Cruiser and that you could fit maybe two apples and a gallon of juice in the trunk.

So that is how we ended up with the now famous Spermmobile.

From the "What were they thinking?" department

On a recent trip to Minnesota on my way from Minneapolis to Duluth I had to stop at a Wal-Mart on the way up (because I make that kind of money) to by a hat since I lost mine somewhere in the airport.

At the Wal-Mart there was this black guy in line in front of me. He turned around and starting looking at me when this strange look on his face. I thought maybe he thought I was someone he knew.

He then proceeded to reach out and shake my hand and say, "Man, I NEVER see any black people up here!"

I felt bad when I had to tell him I was just passing through. After he completed his transaction and before he left he hugged me. It's O.K. though, it wasn't gay. It was a 'brother' hug. The kind where you shake hands to keep the right hands in front of you so you can't get to close and hug with the left hand only.

So anyway besides seeing that cigarrettes are $3.91 a pack and I'm happy I'm not a smoker I had to stop and take this picture. The name of the gas station is "Pump N Munch". Yeah......

My Space sucks!

I tend to try to stay away from things that everyone else thinks you have to have. I figured I have my own website and didn't need a myspace account just because everyone else does.

So I figured what the heck. I'd go ahead and create an account. There is absolutely nothing there and within about 2 or 3 days ALL I've gotten out of is a bunch of spam from porn sites with pictures of hot women asking me to 'be their friend' clogging my mailbox.

I'll probably have to go in and edit the controls to stop receiving friends request but so far my first taste with My Space has not been a good one.

I'm thinking it will eventually get to be like these blogs. Yes I have one, but there was a period of time where EVERYBODY had to have a blog. Now EVERYBODY has to have a MySpace account until the next big thing comes along.