Left of Center

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Losing respect for the NAACP

Over the last several years the NAACP has appeared to lose it's focus. They are becoming more of a political party than a cause for their namesake.

With actions like the president of the NAACP of the Philidelphia chapter, J. Whyatt Mondesire, saying things like this:

Mondesire, publisher of the Philadelphia Sunday Sun, criticized McNabb in a column in his newspaper on Dec. 4.
He wrote that McNabb's tendency to run the ball early in his career "not only confused defenses, it also thrilled Eagles fans," but that abandoning that element "by claiming that 'everybody expects black quarterbacks to scramble' not only amounts to a breach of faith but also belittles the real struggles of black athletes who've had to overcome real racial stereotypcasting in addition to downright segregation."
Mondesire said the bottom line is that McNabb is "not that good."

This tells me several things.
1. Mondesire is abusing is power with the NAACP to get articles published. If he wasn't the president of the NAACP philly chapter do you thing this would have even been published?

2. Maybe I'm wrong, but I would think the NAACP has bigger things to worry about than Donavan McNaab and Terrell Owens.

3. If this Mondesire knew anything about sports he would know that McNaab has already been in the league 7 years. Most running backs don't have long carreers. McNaab 'may' not be able to run like he used too.

4. Most of the successful 'long term' QB's have been pocket QB's. Elway, Marino, now Manning, etc.

Idiot of the Day

Now, I know this may be hard to imagine but todays Idiot of the Day (Still not done daily, or even monthly for that point) is another politician.

By the way, I'm still trying to figure out why the picture on the left is his picture on his website, and the picture on the right is a recent picture. Here I thought us comics had a bad habit of using out of date pictures.

This time it is Republican Senator Arlen Specter from Pennsylvania who recently dropped these words of wisdom. (By the way, I'm not being biased towards Republicans. I didn't even know he was a Republican but hey, if the shoe fits.....)

"It's a restraint of trade for them to do that, and the thought crosses my mind, it might be a violation of antitrust laws," Specter said.

Now the thing to remember here is that Specter chairs the Judiciary Committee. Basically he is saying that the Judiciary Committe could possibly look into the matter.

MEMO TO CONGRESS:
STAY THE HELL OUT OF SPORTS, THAT'S NOT WHY WE VOTED FOR YOU MORONS.

WORRY ABOUT TRIVIAL THINGS LIKE PUBLIC SCHOOLS, WAR IN IRAQ, TERRORIST THREATS AND GET BACK TO THE IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE STEROIDS IN BASEBALL AND TERRELL OWENS LATER!!!!

Left of Center

My second attempt to become the worlds worse drawn cartoon. Guess this is why I do stand up and not artwork.

Click on the image to view it in a size you can actually read it.

Worlds best warning labels

These came off the plastic bag a computer was packed in. They are funny enough on their own that I don't even need to ad any commentary.

Ken Severa and Eric Kirkland

Ken Severa and I worked Savarino's.
I love this one nighter and try to get in there once a year. They do monthly shows over the winter months. We had over 300 people packed in this show rocked! See you folks next year!

The Boondocks

After several weeks of build up "The Boondocks" finally premiered tonight on Adult Swim.

There were several scenes that did make me laugh out loud.

If you are offended by the "N" word you don't want to watch this show. But I don't think they drop it just to drop it. The scenes where they do drop it were funny as hell to be honest.

The show wasn't as shocking as I thought it would be but I think I was looking SO forward to it that I was just a little bit disappointed.

However, I already know that I'm a fan and will be hooked, especially now since we are past the first episode where characters had to pe introduced.

If you want to see something funny check out "The Boondocks" at 11:00 P.M. Eastern Sunday nights on Adult Swim on Cartoon Network.

Left of Center

You may have to click on the image to make it big enough to see. As you can plainly tell I have absolutely no artistict talent whatsoever.

How Dobie Maxwell almost killed me

First off Dobie Maxwell is a comedian friend of mine. The other night I was driving home from a show in Muncie, Indiana where I was working with Wynn Reichert. It was pretty late as we had a good crowd so the show went a little long.

I had Dobie's CD he gave me and decided to listen to it on the way home. I had stopped at a Hardee's to get a bite to eat and was getting towards the end of the CD. The last track is a bit where he had some obnoxius female heckler in the audience that wouldn't shut up.

So I'm listening to this cracking up and take a bite out of my burger when I hear the line.
"It's women like you are the reason that O.J. was set free.". Well that is when I damn near choked on the piece of burger I was eating! Thanks for damn near killing me on the middle of I-70 somewhere in Indiana Dobie!

Damn near choked again later when I'm drinking my shake and hit's this lady with. "You are like one of those turds in the toilet that no matter how many times you flush it just won't go away!"

If you guys ever see Dobie pick up the CD. Even if you don't see him visit his website and pick it up.

Old School Pimpin'

If you've seen my show you know I always go up with a hat on stage. One of the staff at the Funny Farm had this hat and let me wear it when I went up on stage Saturday night. I tried to get her to sell it to me but no dice. I've got to get me one of these.

By the way, I know I'm dorky but part of this picture is an illusion. I'm not carrying a samurai sword on my back.

A 'question' of cleavage.

She said this is what happens when you are 16 and drunk.

I think it's just someone who was really a fan. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Most comics like to make the bright lights and the big cities. I just like to make the bright light and the big ti... time, yeah, big time!

The DK lady

Never let looks decieve you. While working at Pesto's in Grand Blanc Michigan with Darryl Rhoades somehow the term Donkey Punch was brought up and I told him what it was as I had recently found out. Well, being the people that we are we decided to see how many different ways we could get it into the show and how many people would know what it was. I beat him to the punch (no pun intended) by doing the offstage intro and saying "Pestos, the home of the Donkey Punch". Well this woman was cracking up every time we got it in and after the show ended up informing Darryl and I of what an "Angry Dragon" is. Whomever she is about to marry is getting a freak on her hands. Funny thing is she was sitting with her future mother in law who I'm sure would be asking her later. "So, what is this Donkey Punch thing that was so funny?"

Idiot of the Day (which still isn't done daily)

With my newsletter going out in a few days I thought I wasn't going to have an Idiot of the Month (see, here it's idiot of the day, on the Newsletter it's idiot of the month) until I saw todays quotes by former FEMA head Mike Brown. Oh, by the way, he was reassigned but still on the government payroll.

My favorite quote is this one. What the hell, go ahead and kick Louisiana while they are down.

"My biggest mistake was not recognizing by Saturday that Louisiana was dysfunctional," two days before the storm hit, Brown said.

Dysfunctional? That's the best he could come up with? Also, unlike most politicians who at least even though we know they don't mean it take some blame this a-hole won't take any. He has pointed blame to the following

Louisiana Governer Kathleen Blanco
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin
The Dept. of Homeland Security
"a hysteric media"
Army Lt. Gen. Russel Honore, the military coordinator for the disaster whom he called "A Bull in a China closet"
"Americans themselves must play a more active role in preparing for natural disasters - and not expect more from the government than it can deliver."


Hmm, seems like everyone here is to blame except himself, FEMA, and his buddy "W"

Another sign of hitting it big!

Well, getting beyond the point that the sign says Comedy Sept 8th even though it was Sept 22nd when we did the show.

It's nice to know that you aren't quite top billing above "Friday Nite Live with Bubba" but at least you are considered higher billing than. "Line Dancing Wednesday"

Retarded Heckler

I don't even remember what joke I was doing at the time when this guy during the silence before the punch line yelled out

"Git R Done"

So I got out my camera and said I'm going to take a picture of this retarded heckler and put it up on the web page.

I swear if I hear one more person use in any context whatsoever "Get R Done" I'm kicking them in the gonads.

How to get into a comedy hole.

Most of you that have seen me perform know that I like talking to the audience sometimes during my show.

This particular couple I was talking to and the conversation went pretty much like this.

Me: "So, how long have you two been married"
Her: "(O.K. I don't remember how long they said)
Me: "So, did you guys go on a honeymoon?"
Her" "Yes"
Me. "Where did you go"
Her: "Tennessee"
(Insert audience and my own laughter here)
Me: "O.K. I've been doing this about 15 years and have NEVER had anyone say 'Tennessee', why Tennesse? Did you want to go somewhere with more white trash then you have in Merrillville?" (I'm all about making friends)
Her: "No, originally we were going to go on a cruise"
Me: "Stop, how do you go from going on a cruise to going to Tennessee?"
Her: "Well you see his dad died"
Me: "So, you had to go to a funeral on your honeymoon?"
They: "Yes"
Me: "O.K. thanks for brining to the show to a halt, not to many places I can go after that. Lady I'll give you some advice, next time just lie."

(Me, whew, I was able to get the crowd back after that last line)

So at that point I took my camera out of my pocket and took a picture and said I would put it on my website as the people who brought my show to a halt, and as they say, the rest is history.

Bill Bushart, Sean, and myself

From Wisecrakers comedy club in Merrillville, IN. (In case you were thinking the sign said Wisecakers and was wondering what the heck a Wisecaker is)

Bill Bushart, Sean the MC, and myself.

Kicking it "Old School" at the pump

This is for you kids that may have never seen one of these "old school" gas pumps.

This was at a Gas Station outside of Spring Lake Michigan where I stopped to get gas.

The sign notes that the price listed is per 1/2 gallon. The attendant told me that these pumps aren't even capable of going higher than $2.99 a gallon.

5 signs you are entering comedy hell.

Surprisingly they are all on this one sign.

1. Note we didn't even have our names posted. We have been duly noted as "Thing 1" and "Thing 2"

2. Free. For comedy shows Free=Hell

3. Note the high quality of this sign. You know that no expense is spared on the advertising budget.

4. No talking has to be stressed and underlined before you even enter the room

5. Minimum age 18

What's the point?

So, first off, no I'm not staying at the Ritz. I just grabbed this picture off of the net.

I am staying at a really nice hotel though. The Radisson in Merrelville, IN. My point is I often wonder what is the point of the Do Not Disturb sign. I'm in my room working on the PC and sure as crap with that big ass DO NOT DISTURB sign on my door housekeeping still bangs on the door. In most places if they don't come knocking on the door if you have your DO NOT DISTURB sign up then they will call you on the phone and wake you up that way.

ADDENDUM:

So, I went out for a few hours and I get back to my room and sure enough housekeeping is my room cleaning. ARGHH!! I hate that, see, I'm such a slob that I feel like I have to clean my room before housekeeping can come in and clean my room.

Gary Fields-Kalamazoo, MI

Rico Bruce Wade came out and did a guess set Saturday night proving that no comedians actually look anything like their headshots!





From L-R Gary Fields with the "Macho Pose",Me, Rico Bruce Wade, (sounds like a serial killer, serial killers always have that middle name thing going), and Joe Dunckel.

One of the first things Joe said after seeing me after several years was basically "I didn't recognize you, you've gotten so big and old!" Thanks buddy! :-)

By the way, the Reverse Double-Stuff Oreo posing in this picture was not intentional.

Strange folks

This was a strange conversation I had with a complete stranger today. Please keep in mind this was a serious conversation the whole time.

I was in a waiting area and there was another guy there and myself and they were showing some of the footage from the waters in New Orleans. I'll try to quote this as best I can.

Stranger: "You got any people down there?"
Me: "Fortunately no I don't, do you?"
Stranger: "Yes I got some people in Biloxi (and a few other places he mentioned)"
Me: "Have you heard from any of them?"
Stranger: "No not yet.
I never cared for it down there in New Orleans where they built that city so low"
Me: "Yes, it's kind of scary building a city that big below sea level with the water being held back by levies"
(Now this is where it gets good, remember this is a serious conversation with no humor at all.)
Stranger: "Yep, that the exact same thing that happened to Atlantis, they built it below sea level"

At this time amazingly I was able to find something to distract me and leave.

The "Fabulous" life of an entertainer

People think that the life of an entertainer is all big time glitz and living the life of luxury. O.K. granted as I'm writing this I'm staying on the 'executive' floor of the Radisson in Kalamazoo. I almost feel guilty about it. It's one of those deals when I get in the elevator to get to my floor I have to use a special key. I feel like I have to keep telling people when they ask that it was a mix up and they had to upgrade me to this floor.

Anyhows, this is the rarity and not the norm. For example, my accomodations Tuesday night was at the Pines Motel in Pentwater, MI.






You may ask why I'm waiting so late in the week to post these pictures. Well, it's not like I could have done it at the Pines as the rooms have no phones. I also could not get a signal on my cell phone. I felt like a castaway on Gilligans' Island.

I did end up watching the DVD Dodgeball on my laptop. I watched it on my laptop as by the picture below you may not be able to tell but the screen on this T.V. was smaller than the screen on my laptop.



By the way. For those of you under the age of 30 or so those funny lookig things on the T.V. are called 'knobs'. See way back in the stone age when these types of T.V.s were made you actually had to get up, walk across the room, and change the channel.

Strange art at the 'Zoo

Kalamazoo, Michigan that is.
I went out and did some Geocaching the other day and came across this strange artwork at a park named "The Mayors Park" in Kalamazoo.



Strang Artwork

Upon closer inspection this is on one of the poles



Now that is what you want your kids to see when taking them out to a day in the park. Something to give them nightmares about!

Record Breaking Crowds in Indy!

This club could be really nice if they would market it. It's inside an Adams Mark hotel in a really nice setting and a nice stage. However, since the show isn't marketed it won't be around long.

Friday first show was cancelled:

Audience from Friday Late Show


Sat Early Show


Sat Late Show

Things to do in traffic

If you happen to be driving across say I-96 and you are sitting in traffic so long that you notice your car has exactly 44,444 miles on it and you are still sitting in traffic so long that you have enough time to reach into your glove compartment, take your camera out of it's case and take a picture because you have been sitting so long that you notice your car is STILL saying 44,444 miles take a picture. What else do you have to do while sitting in traffic on I-96 while your car hits 44,444 miles?

Vanity Plates

I have nothing against people that have Vanity License Plates for their vehicles. However today when I went to lunch I wish I would have had my camera with me. I parked in front of a truck that had Vanity plates that said "1 Jedi 1", now remember, these are actual REAL plates, not the fake plates you can put on the front of a car for states that don't require front plates)

Now, I can be just as much as a Star Wars fan as the next guy but when you have license plates that say "1 Jedi 1" I'm thinking that is only because you can't put on your plates. "Hello, I'm a loser who wants to guarantee that no woman will ever have sex with me"

Dobie, Eric and City Council

This is the first time I've had a chance to work with Dobie Maxwell. Dobie is an extremely funny guy and a cool guy to hang out with. We had the pleasure of hitting Meijers after the show as we both needed toiletries. (Not a very macho word there) Hey, but the guy was cool enough to by me some Wendys (the food, not the hooker, I paid for that on my own) and of course since I didn't check my order until I got back to my hotel room it was screwed up. I swear I think "Plain with cheese only" must be french for "Throw every piece of crap you have on my burger please".


The lady in the middle, is Clara Shepard,she is the head of city council for Muskegon. (Nothing like seeing your elected officials out partying on Thursday nights!) Just kidding, she was a super nice lady and had a great time, and evidentally Dobie likes pointing at her left breast.

If I stayed in Muskegon she would get my vote just because she didn't act like the typical politician at all. Real down to earth lady.

As a matter of fact she was talking to Dobie and I after the show while I was selling my SINGLE* T shirts and we were talking about the youngsters and she told Dobie and I. "Women are like brooms, the new ones may sweep pretty good but the old ones already know where the dust is!" :-)

ARGHH!!

O.K. first off a minute ago I was typing a quick entry about how tired I am right now so I was just doing a quick entry. Well I don't know what the heck I did but somehow while running a spell check that entry just disappeared.

It's been that type of day. At one point on the way here to Muskegon, MI I got stuck in traffic for nearly an hour.

So about an hour before the show or so I get in the shower. Well I bent over to turn the water on to realize the last person in this hotel room evidently left the shower head on. I must admit, nothing gives you a quick energy blast like an unexpected blast of cold water on the back of the head.

So after I get out of the shower, about 30 minutes to show time, I get dressed and realized I left my deodorant at home. So of course there are no drugstores or anything like that near by so I have to go to the gas station 3 blocks down the street. So I drive down there, (didn't want to walk 3 blocks on a hot summer evening with no deodorant)

So I get that done and now I'm at about 15 minutes to show time and go to brush my teeth and you guessed it, left that at home too.

So after the show the other comic and I drive the 10-15 minutes to the closed Meijer's to pick up some toiletries. So we stop by the Wendy's and since this is the time I didn't check my order of course I get back to the hotel and since I like my hamburgers with cheese only of course my burger had everything on it known to man kind. I guess my only saving grace this day has been at least the vending machine down the hall didn't take my money. Nothing like a late night dinner of vending machine cookies.

How stupid can you get

So the other day I'm hanging out with some of my Hispanic friends and it just so happens at the time there were speaking Spanish. Some dumb redneck had the gall to come over and say.

"Hey, if you can't learn to speak English you need to leave the United States and go back to Puerto Rico!"

O.K. so that didn't actually happen but I think it's a funny joke and I don't wan't to forget it. If I have to explain why that joke is funny then you should go back to school.

The things you find out.

I was bored today so did a google. (I guess that googling is a verb now). I'm more of a googler, in the past I was a Yahooer. (Not to be confused with being a yahoo which some people would certainly say I still am)

Anyhows, the search did turn up my site, a lot of information on some boxer and it turned up this link.

CGHIA

Go there and check it out. I actually sent Eric Kirkland an e-mail. (No, not me, that would just be plain silly now wouldn't it)

I did tell him that I'm a stand up comic and as any of you that have seen my show know all I wear are Hockey Jerseys on stage so I'm trying to get him to hook me up with one. I could be the only touring comedian with a Colorado Climax Jersey. (Ha, love that name). Just think of it, my opening bit alone on how I got the Jersey has a new ten minutes of material alone.

So if anyone reads this go to that link and ask Eric Kirkland, (no not me, the other one, remember, I'm "The Artist Formerly Known as Eric Kirkland" because so many people kept coming to my shows expecting to see a hockey game)

Question?

Where do those people on the side of the road with the "Will Work for Food" signs get such good magic markers?

Idiot of the Day?

For my "Idiot of the Day" award I could just point to the guy in the middle but then I would have the same post 365 days a year.

The Idiot of the Day award is not going to the young women in the picture either. They are members of the Northwestern Universty Women's (duh) LaCrosse Team.

The Idiot of the Day award is going to AOL who decided this was a story newsworthy of their front page. A second nod goes to the Chicago Tribune who decided to make this a front page story.

(I must admit though, where I work I do think it is kind of tacky when the women wear flip flops to work. I haven't seen any of the guys wearing sandals yet)

The issue is their is now a big controversy because the women in the photo decided to wear flip flops to the white house. (Hmm, LaCrosse players in 'comfortable' shoes. Good for the stereotype ladies)

The story did of some good quotes like this one:

''Don't even ask me about the flip-flops,'' said the mother of player Aly Josephs. ''It mortified me.''
Lady, if the thought of your daughter wearing Flip Flops "mortifies" you I hope you can handle it when she tells you she's gay! I'm willing to go out on a limb and bet about %99.9 of parents with their daughters in college WISH the only thing that they had to worry about was their daughters wore a pair of flip flops to the Whitehouse.

Another good quote:
''Nobody was wearing old beach flip-flops,'' said Josephs, who wore a $16 brown pair with rhinestones.
You think she is having one of those moments where she wish she could take that quote back. We've all been there where we have said something and didn't realize til later how stupid we sounded at the time. If you never have experienced that feeling then you are basically saying stupid things all the time and just don't realize it.

I guess being male I've learned something here. $5 flip flops=bad-$16 flip flops=fashionable.

Another quote:
''I tried to think of something that would go well with my outfit and at the same time not be that uncomfortable. But at the same time not disrespect the White House.''

There's a fashion dilemma for you ladies. Next time you co-ordinate your outfit make sure you wear shoes that are 'respectful.' Leave your Rodney Dangerfield shoes at home in the closet.

I'm not crazy but this actually bothers me.

So I'm at work today doing my 'nerd' thing taking care of computer related issues. It just so happens we have web filtering software at work since it seems to be normal human behavior to think. "Hey I'm at work, guess I'll download some porn!"

So anyway, the filter sometimes blocks the good sites also and we have to manually give access to those sites.

As I'm doing this today I noticed that for people to have access I have to put them in the "whitelist." Where do the bad ones go? You guessed it the "blacklist." I won't even get started on the computer terminology where the main drive is called the "master" and the backup drive is called the "slave." At least some manufacturers have started calling them 'primary' and 'secondary'.

As I started to think about this black and white thing it has bugged me for a while because children are basically brought up thinking white is good and black is evil. Examples you say:?

White Witch= Good Black Witch=Bad
White Magic=Good Black Magic=Bad
Cowboys in White Hats=Good Cowboys in Black Hats=Bad (O.K. that one is kind of old school)
and the topper:
Angel Food cake is white and Devils Food cake is black. What's up with that?

Rusty, Phe, and Me!

This is Rusty from B -95 in Flint, Michigan, Phenecia Banks and myself. (Um, I'm the one in the middle)

I worked with Phenecia at the Holly Hotel last weekend. We had a great time (except for a couple of idiots at the Friday late show we won't mention)

I always enjoy working the Holly Hotel as George and Chrissy are two of the best people to work for. Now that I've been there several times Chrissy finally recognizes me when I walk in. ;-)

Rusty was the host for the Sunday night show at Maxies' in Flint, Michigan. I must say when I pulled up about 25 minutes before show time and saw the sign outside said "Free comedy" I thought that this gig was going to suck. Trust me, normally any show that is 'free' you get a bunch of jerkwads. However, even though the crowd wasn't that big on this HOT Sunday night the people that showed up were alot of fun. They did not heckle like you would expect from a free show and you could tell they were comedy veterans as they all paid attention to the show. Even the people at the bar in the back of the room.

Rusty was awesome as he got every single reference I made during the show. (Or else he was just laughing to make me feel good)

I need better pet names

First off I have a cat that technically didn't have a name until we took her to the vet a few years back. The cat still 'technically' doesn't have a name. I guess she does but I don't know how to spell it. The cat will only come anyway if she feels like it. It's such a cat thing.

She will come to you (if she feels like it) when you make the cat sound. Kind of a tch, tch, tch, tch. Well we had to take her to the vet years ago and they asked what her name was we couldn't say Tch, tch, tch, tch. So the cat's unofficial name is Dinah. Still have no idea where my daughter came up with that name.

Well what made me think about that today was I had to call a vet to make an appointment for my other pet that I've had for about 11 or 12 years now. No not a dog. I have a pet snake (no jokes please). I think I have the only snake that seems to be blind and can't smell a rat in front of it's face so it's off for a $49 vet visit. (I think visits to MY doctors office are cheaper).

Well, once again. I didn't name my pet myself. Years ago my niece noticed a pattern on the snake that led to the pet's name. So hear is the conversation I had with the vet today. Remember, we are talking about a snake.

Me: Hello, I need to bring my snake in for a visit.
Vet: What seems to be the problem.
Me: I think he can't see, he can't seem to find the food right in front of him even though he tries.
Vet: We can make an appointment for today or next week. (Evidentally my snake can get in quiker for an appointment than I can with my doctor also.)
Me: I'm on my way out of town today, let's shoot for next week.
Vet: How does Tuesday sound?
Me: Sound good.
Vet: What is the snakes name?
Me: Um...
Vet: ??
Me: "Pumpkin"

So the moral of the story, don't give your pet's stupid names because you'll have to say them seriously to someone someday.

Sheesh, I still can't beleive I have a snake named Pumpkin.

Vet:

Pimp my....bike??

Pimp my ride!

Some things you don't need a comedian to add his comments to it to make it funny. This pictures was taken by someone while visiting Central Park.

It's hard to figure out what is worse in the picture.

1. The bike itself
2. Being from Ohio I'm thinking, "Oh great, he would be wearing an Indians hat!"
3. The leather biking gloves.
4. The "Pimp Daddy Spare Tire"
5. The "Yeah, you are digging my ride pose" (Like the person who took the pictures wasn't doing all it took to keep from busting a gut.

I'm in the wrong line of business.

I look goofy now, but I'll soon be rich!

Above is a picture of Jennifer "Bug Eyes" Wilbanks. She is better known as "The Runaway Bride.".

She left her husband at the alter and the city of Duluth, Georgia spent nearly $43,000 to search for her. Wilbanks has repaid $13,249.

So what's my beef? She has signed with an literary agent for a cool $500,000. The agent is now pushing the idea into being made into a T.V. movie. (20 to 1 odds right now you know this will be a Lifetime Origianal Movie). I swear to God, I don't want to hear any crap from anyone that makes fun of me watching wrestling anymore.

Maybe I'm getting old. I remember the way it was taught to kids way back in the stone age before things like..fire. You work hard, save your money, and you will be O.K. in life. It appears now to be "Hey, do something REALLY stupid, make suckers out of a bunch a people, and write a book"

So today I'm thinking of quitting the workforce and doing one of the following to make it. Agents, please send advance checks if you want to talk to me about my 'life story'.

1. I will go on national T.V. and tell my wife after 8 years of marriage that I'm really not a man and she has been sleeping with another woman all these years. (Crap, thing Springer beat me to that one)

2. I will be a live in house guest with no visible means of support and wait for my celebrity ex football player landlord to get off with murder.

3. I will have hundreds of thousands of hard working citizens watch me make fun of thier everyday jobs like my rich a$$ would ever actually HAVE to work. Then I'll make an erotic video of me eating hamburgers for commercial purposes.

4. I'm going to change my name to George Steven Lucas Spielberg and come up with a line of toys and then make movies based on the toys!

Hello retirement!!!

Idiot of the Day

Idiot of the Day

Today's Idiot of the Day (which for some reason is STILL not done daily) Is Kathy Trant.

Kathy wants us to feel sorry for her because due to depression over losing her husband in the War in Iraq she blew through 5 million dollars!

When her husband died in the war she received after taxes 2 million from The Federal Victim Compensation Fund and another 3 million from friends and family. (I can't even hit my family up for a $20)

Part of her excuse is due to depression. That I can understand, but with 5 million in hand why not spend some of that money on something stupid like, oh, counseling maybe?

She gave her former housekeeper $15,000 to buy a home in El Salvador, she spent $70,000 to take six friends to the Super Bowl and another $30,000 for a trip for 20 to the Bahamas.

She spent $1.5 million to nearly triple the size of her suburban New York home. She spent $350,000 on the back yard, installing a full basketball court also equipped for volleyball, tennis and Rollerblading, a heated pool and a hot tub.

Her walk-in closet houses a $500,000 shoe collection, gowns by Versace and Capelli that go for $5,000 each and Fendi and Judith Leiber handbags, also $5,000 per bag.

Most of the women I know when they get depressed they do silly things like eat chocolate.

Maybe I'm just old school but sometimes I get sick and tired of people that have to make up excuses because they are idiots. Just the other day someone was telling me about how one of their friend was going through a bitter divorce because after the lost of their mom they turned to drugs and alcohol. Guess what, sack it up! Thousands of people, including myself, lose loved ones. Simply put, death is a part of life. However, for a person to want me to feel sorry for them because they blew through 5 million dollars because of depression, that's something that just isn't going to happen.

What riles me up in situation like these is I feel for the people who could only donate a buck or two for these types of funds so a woman like this can go out and buy $5000 hand bags and take her friends to the Super Bowl. What a friggin joke!

The other thing that chaps my a$$ is knowing that the amount she received was partially calculated on a formula on what her husband was expected to make. Her husband was making over $130,000 plus bonuses. He died in the World Trade Center. My question would be how much do spouses of soldiers get that actually are dying in Iraq on government pay? The people with two and three kids living on the army base. Maybe I'm wrong but I bet there won't be any kind of 2 million dollar check in their future unless they hit the lottery.

Welcome to Bloomington, Illinois!

This sign is what you see when you are coming into Bloomington, IL from the southside of town. Good thing it's there! I was being chased by a group of skinheads, but when we saw this sign we all stopped, held hands, and sang Kum-Bi-Ya.

After that we all went further north up the road and ate at Uncle Tom's pancake house!

Some places a brother can't eat.

Worse than Denny's or Cracker Barrell.

This is an actual restaurant in Bloomington, IL. Uncle Tom's Pancake House, wonder if I drive up the road further if I'll drive past "Chicken George's Chicken Shack"

One of the best songs ever

If you get a chance go to www.r-kelly.com where you can listen to "Trapped In The Closet Vol 1-5" (Note, as of today only Chapters 1-3 are up on his website)

I downloaded Chapter 1 to my I-pod a while ago. Today I was listening to my XM-Radio and heard the whole series. In my opinion R-Kelly is one of the most prolific and talented songwriters off our day. I do a little bit of lyrical writing and wish I could write like this.

Be sure to listen to "Trapped in the Closet Vol 1-5", as it states on the website it is an 'Epic Urban Soap Opera." The video for Chapter 1 is also on the website. It will be interesting to see the whole 5 set video when it comes out. It appears the CD will have the video on DVD when it comes out July 5th.

One of the best concerts I saw was earlier this year when I saw R. Kelly and Jay-Z in concert.

Some things no one needs to see

So I'm walking across a hot parking lot today to get from one business building to another building on another side of the street.

It's currenlty 88 degrees at the moment, even though the weather software on my P.C. says it FEELS like it's only 87 degrees. Well, what I saw earlier was just about at high noon when it was probably about 5 to 10 degrees hotter.

I noticed this guy going into the building was dressed completely in black, full length pants, long sleeve jacket. I'm thinking this guy has got to be burning up.

When I saw the guy leaving he was getting into his very nice Mercedes been convertible. Remind you VERY nice Mercedes been convertible. As the man got into his car I noticed underneath the black jacket and vest was the little strip of white on the collar. Yes, he was a preist.

Well, at least he has faith that God won't strike him down with a heatstroke. However, I also didn't know it was commonplace for priest these days to cruise around the streets in Mercedes Benz convertibles. (One again a VERY nice Mercedes Benz convertible) Maybe I'm just out of touch but I thought there was something about worldly possessions and being vain that members of the clergy were supposed to follow.

While apparently the Catholic Church is having financial difficulties their priest seem to be taken care of very well these days. Even though I thought a Mercedes Benz Convertible (A VERY nice Mercedes Benz Convertible) would usually be driven by a middle age man going through a mid life crises. I can see in the mind of the middle age balding man that he would think it's a chick magnet. Even though that's one of those things I never understood was equating your penis size to your automobile. Good thing too since I drive a Hyundai Elantra. My wife and daughter have bigger cars than I do. While I can't vouch for my daughter I know for certain my wife doesn't have a bigger penis than mine.

So I'm trying to figure out why a Catholic priest would be driving a car that is a chick magnet. It's not like Catholic priest have been known for their womanizing ways. If anything I could understand it more if they guy would have been driving an Ice Cream Truck or a Big Wheel.

Idiot of the Day Award

Idiot of the Day Award

Today's Idiot of the Day Award (which for some reason is STILL not done daily) goes to the Toy Biz company.

Somehow someone at Toy Biz must have been on a drunken bender one night and pissed off at his kids and came up with the great idea, "I have the perfect idea for a kids costume, FIRE!" (Might as well throw in a free pack of cigarettes to complete the ensemble)

Now wasn't it just several years ago that Beavis and Butthead were no longer to even allowed to say "FIRE, FIRE!" on thier show?

I'm sure the lawyers are just lining up waiting for the first kid that decides the fake fire lights in the costume just don't quite cut it.

Bumpers

Hyundai

The above picture actually has nothing to do with what I'm writing about. I just know that pictures are great 'eye catchers' for the reader.

The above car at least IS the type of car I have, except mine is black, and dirty, and has bugs all over the windshield, has a $400 dent in the hood I need to get fixed, doesn't have the side moldings, (I think, crap, now I have to look out the window to see) O.K. no moldings.

Anyhows, as I was stuck in traffic yesterday, for some unknown reason I was thinking about the drivers behind me, and how they were so close I couldn't see their front bumpers. Then it dawned on me that I beleive cars on US roads have to have "5 mph" bumpers.

Now, first off, what the heck is the point in that. I was trying to drive 5 mph and don't think I could even do it. I've been in cars where the speedometer starts at 5 so that would make it really hard to make sure your 5 mph bumpers is actually effective.

I was thinking even harder and dont' even know if there is anyplace in America that has a speed limit of 5 mph. I pull into the parking spot at the grocery store driving more the 5 mph.

I guess I shouldn't complain as now I feel safe in the knowledge that if I get into a 5 mph head on collision my vehicle and I will be O.K.

Well technically if it's a head on collision hopefully the other driver and I aren't driving over 2 1/2 mph each!

Idiot of the Day Award.

Idiot of the day

Yes, I know this may be hard to believe but my Idiot of the Day Award (which by the way, I don't do daily for some reason) is actually being awarded to a politician.

The above picture is of Spencer Bachus, he is:
1. A Congressman
2. A republican
3. From Alabama

I know just for those reasons alone he could hands down take the Idiot of the Day Award. However to sound like an infomercial, "But wait, there's more..."

Congressman Backass feels that comedian Bill Maher has committed an act of treason. I quote from Congressman Bakass below:

"I think it borders on treason," Bachus said. "In treason, one definition is to undermine the effort or national security of our country."

So what did Bill Maher do to be called out for treason? Did he plant a bomb? Did he give away secret military locations? Did he send funds to terrorists? No, he's done something much worse!! He made a couple of friggin jokes!

Here below are Mahar's treasonous comments in reference to the Army missing it's recruiting goal by 42 percent.

"More people joined the Michael Jackson fan club," Maher said. "We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit, and now we need warm bodies."

O.K. now, I don't care if you agree with him or not but come on, that Jackson line is funny!

Hmm, I'm still trying to figure out the part where that quote is "undermining the effort or national security of our country". Guess I'll have to spend some time breaking the Bill Maher secret terrorist code hidden in that message.

Mr. Backass, quit trying to get your mug on television by worrying about what joke some comedian said. Why not tackle more important issues with your position in Congress. Little stupid things like education, war in Iraq, Social Security....

I know those issues aren't' really that important since The House and Congress have more important thing to worry about like comedians jokes, and whether Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds are doing steroids.

When I see hearings on steroids in baseball, I'm glad to see my tax dollars at work tackling those important issues.

As far as Mr. Maher's comments, agree with them or not. I "thought" that was what we were fighting for, so the people in Iraq would be like us and have the ability to have free speech without being accused of treason.

The Trash People

There is a certain element of society that is cruising your neighborhoods in the wee hours of the morning.

These people have a mission, to discreetly, and early in the morning go through your trash.

Yes, I'm referring to the element of society that we affectionately know as "The Trash People".

They don't have to be "White Trash People". The Trash People come in all races and religions. (Except Jewish, no REAL Jew would be caught dead going through another persons trash).

I suppose you could say that the "The Trash People" have a benefit to society. They take your trash, and instead of it going to some overfilled landfill, they do the community in which they live a favor by taking the trash and storing it in their backyards and garages where they do good to all the animals in the world by insuring that the rats, mice, and roaches have a place to live.

There are many rankings amongst the Trash People.

(The Professional)
The professional Trash People will accept nothing but the best trash. They will not dilly dally and wait for silly things like sunrise. The Professional Trash People have been known to be at your curb almost before your trash hits the ground.

(The Amateur)
These are the laziest of the Trash People. They do silly things like get a good nights sleep and waiting for the sun to rise before digging through your trash. They are satisfied with third hand trash. (The Professionals get the second hand trash)

(The Stalker)
I actually had an encounter with The Trash Stalker over the weekend. We have one in our neighborhood. The stalker is the person you see once or twice a year if you are holding a yard sale. This neighbor speaks to us once a year, only when we are having a yard sale. He shows up, "High, how is the weather!" as he secretly is scoping our display of crap we are trying to get rid of that he doesn't want to spend $2 on.

Well, because I'm an evil person he will be in for a surprise this trash day. It won't be like previous years where he waited until we threw out the items that didn't sale.

That 20 year old T.V. that we are trying to sell for $2, if he thinks he's coming on trash day and getting it for free he will discover the newly shattered screen with a note saying "Eat me!"

The clothes will be given to the Salvation Army, and the rest of the trash bags will each be filled with a generous helping supplied by Dinah. Dinah is my overweight cat who has more than graciously agreed to oversupply her litter box so each trash bag will have an extra little gift for The Stalker.

Important message about Cell Phones

No jokes in this post. Learned something about cell phones today that I was unaware of. About a month or two ago I switched my cell phone over from Alltel to Verizon.

My 8 year old wanted to play with my old cell phone. Since the number was ported over to the new phone about a month or so ago I didnt' have to worry about him placing any calls. (So I thought).

I verified before giving him the phone that he could play with, it dial numbers, and didn't have to worry.

He told me he wanted to dial 991. (He keeps wanting to call it 991 instead of 911). So he's outside playing with the phone and comes back in in a panic because he said somene answered the phone and he knows not to call 911 unless it's an emergency.

To verify I called 911 from the cell phone myself and sure as crap somebody answered. So I explained to them what happened.

So to make a short story long, even if your cell phone has it's service disconnected it appears that you can still carry it around for an emergency if you need to dial 911. (I don't know if that works with all cell phones or not)

The Problem with bagels.

The problem with bagels.

So today I remembered why it's been a LONG time since I've a had a real bagel from a bakery.

So you look at the picture above and probably get your best Homer Simpson impression going and are saying to yourself "Ummmmm, bagels!"

That's what I thought when someone brought in bagels to the office today. A big box of bagels, "Ummm Bagels!" I thought.

So down toward the bottom of the box, I was late and there were only a few left, was this awesome fluffy Cinnamon toasted bagel. Once again, "Ummm bagel!"

So I grab the bagel, get to my area, get out the cream cheese, take a bite, and..........four hours later I'm still tasting the friggin onion from the Onion Bagel that was evidentally next to that cherised Cinnamon Bagel.

Well, I'm not one to give up that easy. I take the bagel, rip it in half and figure, "HA, you shall not stump me fiendish bagel, I will bite you from the juicy center"

Well, evidentally the da*n onion bagel must have been also sitting ON TOP of the delicious looking Cinnamon Bagel.

So if you work at a bagel shop, I was the guy that used to come in and always asked the person buttering the bagel (I like mine toasted with butter when possible) to use a fresh knife. Now you know the reason why. See, it always seemed that no matter who was in front of me they must have loved the dreaded Onion bagel. (Who the he*l wants to start they day off with onion breath anyway). Well once you got a spec of onion on that knife it permeates the bagel. It is amazing that one spec of onion can outpower 10 pounds of cinnamon and sugar.

So in the end now I have to find a way to dispose of this bagel and not let the person know that brought them in that I took their oh so cleverly onion coated bagel and threw it in the trash.

(Sheesh, can't believe I wrote all that about a bagel, I need to get outside today)

I'm a Flasher!

No not that kind of flasher, that would be a sure way to keep people away from my webpage.

I'm trying to teach myself Macromedia Flash and made my first stupid little Flash animation available here.

Now, if you are a high tech nerd this is not impressive and you are probably going, "Dude, why would you put that crap up there?"

Remember we all had to start somewhere. :-)

http://www.thequestionmarkguy.com/flashtest.htm

(Duh, it helps to put the right link in)

Casualties of War

AP Photo
(The Child in the picture died)

Casualties of War by Eric Kirkland

My tank, your Battleship,
Who has the bigger guns?
Your side killed a father,
My side killed a son.
My foot soldier, your fighter jet,
Your side killed a mother
But my side killed your brother.
My tank, your bombs,
Your side killed another,
My side killed a lover.
My general, Your commander,
Your side took a life,
My side killed a wife.
My leaders, your citizens.
Your side killed a husband
My side killed a no one.
My spys, your politicians,
Your side wants an end
But no you say, I’ve just killed your friend.
Your Army, My Navy
My side bodies are being piled
Your side killed a child
In the end when the truce is signed
Our politicians sign the dotted line
We’ve gained three miles of land, that is what the treaty said.
That works our perfect, for now we have three miles of land to bury the dead.

Giant Rubber

Some things you pass on the road and you can only ask yourself...why.

This was on my way to Port Huron michigan. You can use the truck as a reference to the size. Yep, a giant friggin tire.

Wapokaneta, Ohio

A few weeks back I was working in Wapokeneta, OH (because I get to see so many exciting places.)

I was driving around a little trying to find some interesting places to take pictures. This is some kind of aerospace museum. (When I think NASA, I think Wapokenata, Ohio!)

As you can tell by the massive number of 'car' in the parking lot this place is really bringing in the tourist. Yes this picture was actually taken on a Saturday.

View from the Cache

There is actually a HUGE water tank right behind me. But if I took a picture of a water tank that would just be pretty stupid now wouldn't it.

Blue Heron

While doing some geocaching near Proctor, WV I passed this Blue Heron and two white swans in a pond.