How I know my neighbor has a small penis

It's O.K. I can write this, he won't see it.

Since we moved in July none of my neighbors know that I do stand up comedy. I will keep it that way as long as possible. If they think I leave town every few weekends to sell crack I can deal with that easier than I can if they find out I'm a comic.

Whenever anyone finds out you are a comic they immediatly treat you different and do two very annoying things.

1. They always expect you to be funny.

2. They always want to tell you a joke.

(I wonder what they would do if I say I'm a proctologist)

Anyway, I digress.

So I'm talking to my neighbor the other night about to see if the water was out in the whole neighborhood or just my house. Scary thought to think it's only your house.

As it turns out it wasn't just my house.

Still, I'm digressing....

He had his backpack leaf blower on and I was saying how I'll have to get one soon since my back yard is a little mini-forest.

He proceeds to show me his old leaf blower which is similar to this one with but the extension is probably twice as long.

Come on folks, an extension about twice as long as this. How small does your penis has to be. This is only about $30,000 away from buying a Vette.

Well, since he had a new leaf blower, he asked me if I was mechanically inclined and if so I could probably get this old limp one to start.

My mechanical abilities are limited to about knowing what the difference is between a regular and flat blade screwdriver. If you ask me to get the 3/8ths wrench you would be lucky if I don't end up giving you a pair of pliers.

However, I am still male so at this point is a challenge to my man hood to get this thing to work, after all I am now the new guy on the block and this is how males in this day and age mark their territory.

So after about 2 hours on a Saturday which eventually included me using a pair of vice grips to take out the sparkplug and replacing the sparkplug with the one in my weedeater and dumping out and replacing the gas and getting a hernia from spending about an hour of that time pulling the cord I finally got it to work!

Who da man!!!!

Now this is just funny

If you read my next post it's about a leaf blower.



Well thanks to the trusty internet you'll never know what you will end up finding when you are searching for one thing.



I was doing a search for "leafblower" and this picture came up.

Damnit, I could have sworn I typed "leafblower" and not "Leaf Blower."

No offense to the Colorado Climax...

Just another quote

It's been kind of bugging me that I haven't been able to write for a while. Hopefull this is just the start of me getting back into that writing groove.

Hopefully I'll expand on this, but for now it's just another quote.

"It's the fathers of the rich, who choose to start war.
Yet the wars are fought but the sons of the poor."

Eric Kirkland

Just a quote

"A persons lack of intelligence can be directly related to how intelligent they try to prove they are."

"Eric Kirkland"

Comedy Club checklist

1. Check ligthing system..check
2. Check Microphone...check
3. Remove the Sappos sign before the black comic shows up...damn, knew we forgot something.

Yes, recently I did a show at a place called Sonny Jacks. (Sorry, if you can read the sign it's actually 'Sonny Jacks Beer Joint") It was interesting to say the least.

Before the show I'm standing outside, being gaped at by onlookers of this strange being in their town and called my wife to let her know, "I'm playing one block down the street from a grain silo"

Well before the show I noticed this "Sappo's" sign on the wall.....yeah, that made me feel comfortable. So they noticed I was taking pictures of it.

Well during the show I have this really bad habit of saying what I feel like saying so I had to bring it up.

The lady behind the bar turned about as red as the watermelon in the picture. Cool, callbacks! It ended up that the show was a lot of fun and that sign gave me about 5 minutes of new material. I think the staff was extra friendly to me the rest of the night! :-)

Huh?

So I'm currently on hold with XM Radio support. (By the way, GOD I hate these automated machines that they try to make sound like people. It's just stupid when an automated machine says things like "O.K.")

Also I'm currently on hold and you would think there would be some music playing since it's a radio station.

Anyway, I digress. The automated attendant at one point says something that really doesn't make any sense.

"While on hold you may HEAR moments of SILENCE"

Huh??

Top billing???

So I have this gig coming up in North Rose, NY at the Waypoint Inn.

It's one of the gigs I'm headlining. Normally that means you get 'top billing'. Nope, not I. I am at the bottom of the list. You may also note that the MC is at the top of the show. This is what is known in the business as, "The MC is the guy that put the show together"

I see it as, "Hey, you gave me bottom billing, therefore I have the right to suck that night!"

All in fun Steve! Looking forward to my bottom billing show that night. I think there is room in the flyer to advertise the buffett salad bar right above my name.

A Pimp named Slickback

It's been since probably the late 70's since I've seen a REAL pimpmobile. I wish I could have got some more pictures of this pimpmobile. Even the fenders on the side were raised over wheel wells .

However it's not a smart move to roll up next to a pimpmobile and start taking pictures.

O.K. that was stupid

So while I'm in St. Louis I decided it would be fun to have my wife and son come in so we could go up in the Arch.

Well we also decided to go to this place called The City Museum. Basically it's like Chuck E Cheese on steroids minus the pizza.

It's the ultimate playground and evidently the liabilty laws must be more lax in Missouri than in Ohio, the playground is basically a maze of tubes made from things like old airplane fuselages, cranes, open metal tubing, and just about anything else they could find.

It's hard to tell from this picture the following few things.

1. This pipe is about 3 stories high.

2. The picture is far away enough to hide my fear.

3. A 38 inch waist is not made to go through a 36 inch pipe.

4. My wife laughing her ass off as she was taking these pictures.

5. I think she was laughing so hard that fortunately she didn't take the picture at the end when I had to actually manuever my body in some weird positions to turn around. You see half way across this 'curved' tube you realize. "Oh crap, I'll be going down face first at the end!"

I do kind of look like Spiderman though!

O.K. if Spiderman was retarded...

Yes, you are famous!

Yes, you have on the famous Eric Kirkland "Single" T-shirt.

(Available from my website at www.thequestionmarkguy.com)

So now you have made it to my blog and newsletter whoever you are.

Even though maybe it's the way he is holding the beer but the shirt seems to be the perfect fit!

Why I like this picture

This is a picture from Goonies in Rochester, MN. What a great club!

This is a picture of myself, Darryl Rhoades, and Kevin (whose last name I forget, imagine that, me forgetting someones name again)

Anyway, Kevin is a really cool dude who actually was once in a gang but is turning his life around and is funny dude. I really give him props for making a change to put is life in a better direction. That makes me proud to know him.

Now, back to this picture. First off, I'm really digging my $2.00 Superman hat I picked up at Wal-Mart. Now, remember Kevin is the tough one and Darryl and I are two of the nerdiest people you'll probably ever meet.

It must have been the peer pressure that made us both try, and the key word is try, to look tough. I don't know what Darryl is doing with his hands. Kind of has the look of he's trying to tell the woman that is taking the picture, "Yeah, it's this big!"

Meanwhile Kevin is the only one with a smile on his face....go figure!

The Taproom

Dobie Maxwell, one of my good friends in the biz, and judging by his glasses on the table also one of the blindest people in the biz, B.J, and myself at the Taproom in Duluth, MN.

This phot is to prove that I actually do have more than two hockey jerseys to wear.

The Spermmobile

During my recent trip to Minnesota I got in a day earlier than the comic I was working with, Darryl Rhoades.

He arrived at the airport and asked me what kind of car to look out for.

I told him I would be in the sperm colored Mitsibushi Galant.

So, for those of you that saw the shows in Minnesota this this the now famous Spermmobile. (copyright 2007 Eric Kirkland)

It became the running gag with us that week that whenever we had to go somewhere the saying was, "Quick! To the Spermmobile!" (Because we are both so mature)

I even ended up talking about the Spermmobile on stage. It may stay in the act.

Darryl had a good line about it one night. I was up on stage before him talking about the Spermmobile and somewhere during his show he had a line of, "The way I'm feeling I could put a new coat of paint on the Spermmobile."

The reason I had to drive the Spermmobile is I made my reservations for an economy car and the ONLY economy car on the lot was a Chevy Aveo Hatchback.

Now, I'm not picky and actually prefer a small car, especially in Minnesota where the gas was two sixty friggin five a gallon. The problem with this car was, well you see the back of the back wheel. From there behind is the trunk space. Now that would be fine if there was two people travelling and all we had to pack with us was a grapefruit, or maybe two. Two would be a stretch though. The lot had NO other economy cars except for one PT Cruiser and that you could fit maybe two apples and a gallon of juice in the trunk.

So that is how we ended up with the now famous Spermmobile.

From the "What were they thinking?" department

On a recent trip to Minnesota on my way from Minneapolis to Duluth I had to stop at a Wal-Mart on the way up (because I make that kind of money) to by a hat since I lost mine somewhere in the airport.

At the Wal-Mart there was this black guy in line in front of me. He turned around and starting looking at me when this strange look on his face. I thought maybe he thought I was someone he knew.

He then proceeded to reach out and shake my hand and say, "Man, I NEVER see any black people up here!"

I felt bad when I had to tell him I was just passing through. After he completed his transaction and before he left he hugged me. It's O.K. though, it wasn't gay. It was a 'brother' hug. The kind where you shake hands to keep the right hands in front of you so you can't get to close and hug with the left hand only.

So anyway besides seeing that cigarrettes are $3.91 a pack and I'm happy I'm not a smoker I had to stop and take this picture. The name of the gas station is "Pump N Munch". Yeah......

My Space sucks!

I tend to try to stay away from things that everyone else thinks you have to have. I figured I have my own website and didn't need a myspace account just because everyone else does.

So I figured what the heck. I'd go ahead and create an account. There is absolutely nothing there and within about 2 or 3 days ALL I've gotten out of is a bunch of spam from porn sites with pictures of hot women asking me to 'be their friend' clogging my mailbox.

I'll probably have to go in and edit the controls to stop receiving friends request but so far my first taste with My Space has not been a good one.

I'm thinking it will eventually get to be like these blogs. Yes I have one, but there was a period of time where EVERYBODY had to have a blog. Now EVERYBODY has to have a MySpace account until the next big thing comes along.

Father Son-Binding

Aww, isn't this so sweet!

You know the conversation had to be.

"O.K, now son, just pretend that there is a (gay, black, jew, muslim, democrat) over there."

Worst Dad Award Nominee

What were they thinking?

From the "Worst designed license plates" category.

So I'm up here in Minnesota and was walking to the club the last night with the other comic and I saw one of those license plates that are designed to help preserve wildlife.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for preserving wildlife and natural habitats. It's just when I saw this Minnesota license plate I think Minnesota is talking about preservation in a most interesting manner.



O.K. maybe it's just me, but probably not. The first thing the other comic and I saw was that it looks like you got one deer humping another deer.

Then again, if the plates are about preserving wildlife, what better way to do it!

Two Four Six

Two comedians

Four

Six audience members
(There are two way in the back)

Another reason why I make the big bucks. Six people. I'm what's known in the business as 'a draw'.

Poor Samsung Customer Service

This is the condition a printer I received from Samsung arrived to me. I opened the box and this is how the printer was. I wrote the word "Dirt!" in there with my finger and sent them this picture so they could see how bad the unit was when I received it.

I worked dilegently with a Tammy Sullivan from Samsung and she was extremely patient and helpful in trying to get the issues with this faulty line of printeres fixed.

However after several part and printer replacements I was getting worn out. When the last one they shipped came into me like this I just wanted my money back. This fiasco started in September and now here we are in March and they are now giving me the runaround on getting a refund.

Super Politically Correct.

This has to be the most pleasant sign I've ever seen to basically say, "Hey, jackass, if you steal our towels we are going to charge you for it!"

O.K we have all taken our share of towels from Holiday Inns back in the day but has anyone you know actually tried to walk out with an ironing board?

If you can casually walk by the front desk while you are checking out with an ironing board under your arms like that is completely normal you are to cool. You deserve to keep it.

By the way, don't ask how I was able to obtain this placard so I could take a picture of it. :-)

Things black folks won't do

Check out this video. It will go under the file, "Things that black people will never do".

Or it could go under the file, "We have to invent a sport that blacks can't be better than us at"

http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?pmmsid=1859977

It's official.....I'm definetly a nerd.

How do I know this. Well first off the book I'm currently reading. Well, probably the fact that I'm reading a book is nerdy enough. However, there is more. I don't even remember how it came up in our house one day but the subject of Greek Mythology came up. I used to know all the Gods and their names but that information has long since left my brain to store knowledge I really need. Like everytime a fly lands it takes a dump.

Yeah, I don't know if that is true or not but somebody told me that years ago and I've never forgotten that.

So instead of using that spare corner of my brain for things like Greek and Roman Mythology I remember that instead.

So anyway I'm now reading the book, "Mythology, Timeless Tales of Gods and Heroes"


But in the immortal words of Ron Popiel, "..but wait, there's more"

I was going through the channels one night trying to find something interesting in the 500 channels of crap.

I eventually came upon BBC America and Dr. Who was on. Now, I've been a nerd since back in the day and remember watching Dr. Who in his fourth incarnation. Dude, that scarf rocks!

Anyhows, I don't think I had seen the show since then. It looks like he was The Dr from 74-81. See, once a nerd.....always a nerd. You can't escape it.

So I started watching this newest series with the ninth Dr. So I've been really enjoying the show and caught the season finale last night to find out he is only spending one season as the Dr.

See, I even went online and did som Dr. Who research.

Well the reason the research all got started was because of an overbite. Let me explain. His companion I had to look up and found out she is actually a british singer named Billie Piper.

See, it is that in American T.V. and movies you NEVER see an actor or actress with an overbite. (Unless it's fake of course)

So after doing some research I come across "She dies in the series." So, now I'm thinking oh great, now I already know what is going to happen.

So as I'm watching the season finale waiting on her to die to my surprise she lives and the new Dr. Who is introduced. Well, now I find out that the season I was watching was actually two seasons ago and I didn't find on the BBC America website any information about the new season.

Great, guess I'll be getting them on Netflix.

Worse than hearing there are "Snakes on a Plane"

During a recent flight from Chicago to Cleveland in what can only be described as an adventure in waiting. There was something said that evidently the flight attendant must not have thought out before uttering.

After we had already sat about an hour waiting to board the plane, and then after sitting on the plane for about an hour the flight attendant comes on and makes this announcement.

"As you can see we are ready to go, unfortunately we can not find our pilots" (I sh*t you not, that was her actual quote)

Well me being the smart a$$ that I am, (translation, having a big mouth and speaking before thinking blurts out) "Well, I hope they aren't at the bar!"

So after about another 30 minutes on the plane to avoid a "Jet Blue" incident they actually let us get off the plane to go get food or snacks. (There was no food on the plane and you can only drink so much ligquid for sustenance). Well, of course this was the one day I decided to pass on breakfast as I was figuring I would land in about an hour and get something to eat.

After sitting around for an unexpected extra 3 or 4 hours your stomach has a way of saying "Idiot, I told you to eat breakfast!"

(Recommendation for travelers, at Chicago O'hare you can enjoy a delicious lunch of a bag of honey roasted peanuts and a 20 ounce diet coke for only $6)

I would have had a real meal but didn't have my proper papers on me to fill out the loan application to buy a hamburger.

What is wrong with this headline?

"Virgin Mary on a Pizza Pan"

There are some things in life that you just can't make up. It is also apparent that some peoples beliefs are so far fetched that they would stretch their imaginations to their limits.

Here is the Pizza Pan in question.


O.K. maybe it's just because I'm a guy but if anything it looks like a penis to me.

From what I've heard there is a rumor that there is an image of Jesus rising from the Crust of the dough of the $5 Hot N Ready Pizza at the little Ceasers in Buffalo.

The Bumblemobile

This is the rental card I ended up picking up!
The Bumblemobile?
The Yellow Hornet?

I didn't even think rental cars came in Blinding Yellow. The good thing about it is I am guaranteed to not lose it in any parking lot.

I also think I've never rented a car that was a two door. I don't think I've been in a two door car since my 20's.

It didn't even dawn on me until I tried to put my baggage in the pack seat that something was wrong.

When I picked the car up (in the underground parking lot, i.e. no sun, at the Milwaukee airport) it was a balmy 6 degrees so there was no way I was walking back the 20 feet to the counter to ask for another car. Of course after a few days of driving in the U.P. snow the car isn't exactly yellow at the moment. It's a cross between roadside dirt black and the Dirt We Put Down Instead of Salt brown that is used in the U.P.

On the road to Wisconsin

On the road to Wisconsin or Why I’m an Idiot

I’m currently sitting in the Terminal of Cleveland Hopkins Airport. One of those big city airports that even though they are aware most travelers have to sit for an hour or two waiting on their flight and that a lot of those people carry laptops don’t want to provide free internet service. Therefore I’m typing this on Word to be uploaded later.

Several months’ back I booked this week to do shows in Eau Claire, Wisconsin and Houghton, Michigan. If you don’t know where Houghton, Michigan is get a map and look at Canada. It’ about as far north as you can go in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan without quite being in Canada.

I booked this so I could work with my good friend Darryl Rhoades, of course right after we confirmed it I thought, “What the hell were we thinking, the U.P. in January??!!”

Well fortunately this January the weather in Ohio has been in the 50’s. Well, until yesterday. When I woke up this morning the temperature was a balmy 17 degrees with a wind chill of 6.

Here is the start of this trip so far. I bought coffee and cookie this morning on my way in and a pack of gum to have after the coffee. Well, of course I left my gum and cookie in my car in the parking lot.

Check in was nice and easy. I always worry about being late for a flight. One person in front of me checking their bags in and NO ONE in front of me for the security check point…SWEET! So as I’m doing the required strip down to board a plane from Cleveland to Milwaukee…a common terrorist route. (God, I hope no one is watching me over my shoulder typing this or my next entry will be typed from prison for typing the dreaded T word). So I’m going through the security checkpoint…shoeless…and have my wallet in my hand. The security guard says, “Sir, you have to put your wallet in your pocket or I’ll have to search you.” Your guess is as good as mine, I guess Homeland Security is worried about people assaulting the security guards with cheap imitation leather.

Well, so then I’m sitting at my gate and it’s pretty quiet so I’m half asleep when another person in the area is found out to be….A LOUD TALKER. You know, the guy that gets on his cell phone and assumes the person on the other end must not have their hearing aids in.

Since I’m awake I am now sitting here drinking some horrible coffee and a eating a stale doughnut….because that’s the way I roll.

Hopefully I’ll have new entries for you as this journey into the Great White North continues.

Some things get better over time.

It seems that this has over the last several years become a tradition for me as I work on the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, I take time to listen to the "I have a Dream Speech."

Each year when I listen to it I still get goosebumps. I admire anyone that has so much conviction in their beliefs that they will follow through for the benefit of others knowing that it could cost them their life.

While I like most people get off for Memorial Day and Labor Day, the Martin Luther King holiday still seems to be one that only Federal employees get off for some reason.

Please take some time from your schedule to listen to this speech.