The Question Mark Guy

How I know my neighbor has a small penis

2007-10-02T14:43:00.000-04:00

It's O.K. I can write this, he won't see it.

Since we moved in July none of my neighbors know that I do stand up comedy. I will keep it that way as long as possible. If they think I leave town every few weekends to sell crack I can deal with that easier than I can if they find out I'm a comic.

Whenever anyone finds out you are a comic they immediatly treat you different and do two very annoying things.

1. They always expect you to be funny.

2. They always want to tell you a joke.

(I wonder what they would do if I say I'm a proctologist)

Anyway, I digress.

So I'm talking to my neighbor the other night about to see if the water was out in the whole neighborhood or just my house. Scary thought to think it's only your house.

As it turns out it wasn't just my house.

Still, I'm digressing....

He had his backpack leaf blower on and I was saying how I'll have to get one soon since my back yard is a little mini-forest.

He proceeds to show me his old leaf blower which is similar to this one with but the extension is probably twice as long.

Come on folks, an extension about twice as long as this. How small does your penis has to be. This is only about $30,000 away from buying a Vette.

Well, since he had a new leaf blower, he asked me if I was mechanically inclined and if so I could probably get this old limp one to start.

My mechanical abilities are limited to about knowing what the difference is between a regular and flat blade screwdriver. If you ask me to get the 3/8ths wrench you would be lucky if I don't end up giving you a pair of pliers.

However, I am still male so at this point is a challenge to my man hood to get this thing to work, after all I am now the new guy on the block and this is how males in this day and age mark their territory.

So after about 2 hours on a Saturday which eventually included me using a pair of vice grips to take out the sparkplug and replacing the sparkplug with the one in my weedeater and dumping out and replacing the gas and getting a hernia from spending about an hour of that time pulling the cord I finally got it to work!

Who da man!!!!

Now this is just funny

2007-10-02T14:32:00.000-04:00

If you read my next post it's about a leaf blower.

Well thanks to the trusty internet you'll never know what you will end up finding when you are searching for one thing.

I was doing a search for "leafblower" and this picture came up.

Damnit, I could have sworn I typed "leafblower" and not "Leaf Blower."

No offense to the Colorado Climax...

Just another quote

2007-09-06T16:06:00.000-04:00

It's been kind of bugging me that I haven't been able to write for a while. Hopefull this is just the start of me getting back into that writing groove.

Hopefully I'll expand on this, but for now it's just another quote.

"It's the fathers of the rich, who choose to start war.
Yet the wars are fought but the sons of the poor."

Eric Kirkland

Just a quote

2007-09-06T14:20:00.000-04:00

"A persons lack of intelligence can be directly related to how intelligent they try to prove they are."

"Eric Kirkland"

Comedy Club checklist

2007-07-27T14:41:00.000-04:00

1. Check ligthing system..check
2. Check Microphone...check
3. Remove the Sappos sign before the black comic shows up...damn, knew we forgot something.

Yes, recently I did a show at a place called Sonny Jacks. (Sorry, if you can read the sign it's actually 'Sonny Jacks Beer Joint") It was interesting to say the least.

Before the show I'm standing outside, being gaped at by onlookers of this strange being in their town and called my wife to let her know, "I'm playing one block down the street from a grain silo"

Well before the show I noticed this "Sappo's" sign on the wall.....yeah, that made me feel comfortable. So they noticed I was taking pictures of it.

Well during the show I have this really bad habit of saying what I feel like saying so I had to bring it up.

The lady behind the bar turned about as red as the watermelon in the picture. Cool, callbacks! It ended up that the show was a lot of fun and that sign gave me about 5 minutes of new material. I think the staff was extra friendly to me the rest of the night! :-)

Huh?

2007-05-22T09:26:00.000-04:00

So I'm currently on hold with XM Radio support. (By the way, GOD I hate these automated machines that they try to make sound like people. It's just stupid when an automated machine says things like "O.K.")

Also I'm currently on hold and you would think there would be some music playing since it's a radio station.

Anyway, I digress. The automated attendant at one point says something that really doesn't make any sense.

"While on hold you may HEAR moments of SILENCE"

Huh??

Top billing???

2007-04-24T20:08:00.000-04:00

So I have this gig coming up in North Rose, NY at the Waypoint Inn.

It's one of the gigs I'm headlining. Normally that means you get 'top billing'. Nope, not I. I am at the bottom of the list. You may also note that the MC is at the top of the show. This is what is known in the business as, "The MC is the guy that put the show together"

I see it as, "Hey, you gave me bottom billing, therefore I have the right to suck that night!"

All in fun Steve! Looking forward to my bottom billing show that night. I think there is room in the flyer to advertise the buffett salad bar right above my name.

A Pimp named Slickback

2007-04-24T13:49:00.000-04:00

It's been since probably the late 70's since I've seen a REAL pimpmobile. I wish I could have got some more pictures of this pimpmobile. Even the fenders on the side were raised over wheel wells .

However it's not a smart move to roll up next to a pimpmobile and start taking pictures.

O.K. that was stupid

2007-04-24T13:17:00.000-04:00

So while I'm in St. Louis I decided it would be fun to have my wife and son come in so we could go up in the Arch.

Well we also decided to go to this place called The City Museum. Basically it's like Chuck E Cheese on steroids minus the pizza.

It's the ultimate playground and evidently the liabilty laws must be more lax in Missouri than in Ohio, the playground is basically a maze of tubes made from things like old airplane fuselages, cranes, open metal tubing, and just about anything else they could find.

It's hard to tell from this picture the following few things.

1. This pipe is about 3 stories high.

2. The picture is far away enough to hide my fear.

3. A 38 inch waist is not made to go through a 36 inch pipe.

4. My wife laughing her ass off as she was taking these pictures.

5. I think she was laughing so hard that fortunately she didn't take the picture at the end when I had to actually manuever my body in some weird positions to turn around. You see half way across this 'curved' tube you realize. "Oh crap, I'll be going down face first at the end!"

I do kind of look like Spiderman though!

O.K. if Spiderman was retarded...

Yes, you are famous!

2007-04-09T15:02:00.000-04:00

Yes, you have on the famous Eric Kirkland "Single" T-shirt.

(Available from my website at www.thequestionmarkguy.com)

So now you have made it to my blog and newsletter whoever you are.

Even though maybe it's the way he is holding the beer but the shirt seems to be the perfect fit!

Why I like this picture

2007-04-09T14:49:00.000-04:00

This is a picture from Goonies in Rochester, MN. What a great club!

This is a picture of myself, Darryl Rhoades, and Kevin (whose last name I forget, imagine that, me forgetting someones name again)

Anyway, Kevin is a really cool dude who actually was once in a gang but is turning his life around and is funny dude. I really give him props for making a change to put is life in a better direction. That makes me proud to know him.

Now, back to this picture. First off, I'm really digging my $2.00 Superman hat I picked up at Wal-Mart. Now, remember Kevin is the tough one and Darryl and I are two of the nerdiest people you'll probably ever meet.

It must have been the peer pressure that made us both try, and the key word is try, to look tough. I don't know what Darryl is doing with his hands. Kind of has the look of he's trying to tell the woman that is taking the picture, "Yeah, it's this big!"

Meanwhile Kevin is the only one with a smile on his face....go figure!

The Taproom

2007-03-30T12:58:00.000-04:00

Dobie Maxwell, one of my good friends in the biz, and judging by his glasses on the table also one of the blindest people in the biz, B.J, and myself at the Taproom in Duluth, MN.

This phot is to prove that I actually do have more than two hockey jerseys to wear.

The Spermmobile

2007-03-30T12:44:00.000-04:00

During my recent trip to Minnesota I got in a day earlier than the comic I was working with, Darryl Rhoades.

He arrived at the airport and asked me what kind of car to look out for.

I told him I would be in the sperm colored Mitsibushi Galant.

It became the running gag with us that week that whenever we had to go somewhere the saying was, "Quick! To the Spermmobile!" (Because we are both so mature)

I even ended up talking about the Spermmobile on stage. It may stay in the act.

Darryl had a good line about it one night. I was up on stage before him talking about the Spermmobile and somewhere during his show he had a line of, "The way I'm feeling I could put a new coat of paint on the Spermmobile."

The reason I had to drive the Spermmobile is I made my reservations for an economy car and the ONLY economy car on the lot was a Chevy Aveo Hatchback.

Now, I'm not picky and actually prefer a small car, especially in Minnesota where the gas was two sixty friggin five a gallon. The problem with this car was, well you see the back of the back wheel. From there behind is the trunk space. Now that would be fine if there was two people travelling and all we had to pack with us was a grapefruit, or maybe two. Two would be a stretch though. The lot had NO other economy cars except for one PT Cruiser and that you could fit maybe two apples and a gallon of juice in the trunk.

So that is how we ended up with the now famous Spermmobile.

From the "What were they thinking?" department

2007-03-30T12:36:00.000-04:00

On a recent trip to Minnesota on my way from Minneapolis to Duluth I had to stop at a Wal-Mart on the way up (because I make that kind of money) to by a hat since I lost mine somewhere in the airport.

At the Wal-Mart there was this black guy in line in front of me. He turned around and starting looking at me when this strange look on his face. I thought maybe he thought I was someone he knew.

He then proceeded to reach out and shake my hand and say, "Man, I NEVER see any black people up here!"

I felt bad when I had to tell him I was just passing through. After he completed his transaction and before he left he hugged me. It's O.K. though, it wasn't gay. It was a 'brother' hug. The kind where you shake hands to keep the right hands in front of you so you can't get to close and hug with the left hand only.

So anyway besides seeing that cigarrettes are $3.91 a pack and I'm happy I'm not a smoker I had to stop and take this picture. The name of the gas station is "Pump N Munch". Yeah......

My Space sucks!

2007-03-30T12:31:00.000-04:00

I tend to try to stay away from things that everyone else thinks you have to have. I figured I have my own website and didn't need a myspace account just because everyone else does.

So I figured what the heck. I'd go ahead and create an account. There is absolutely nothing there and within about 2 or 3 days ALL I've gotten out of is a bunch of spam from porn sites with pictures of hot women asking me to 'be their friend' clogging my mailbox.

I'll probably have to go in and edit the controls to stop receiving friends request but so far my first taste with My Space has not been a good one.

I'm thinking it will eventually get to be like these blogs. Yes I have one, but there was a period of time where EVERYBODY had to have a blog. Now EVERYBODY has to have a MySpace account until the next big thing comes along.

Father Son-Binding

2007-03-26T14:49:00.000-04:00

Aww, isn't this so sweet!

You know the conversation had to be.

"O.K, now son, just pretend that there is a (gay, black, jew, muslim, democrat) over there."

Worst Dad Award Nominee

What were they thinking?

2007-03-24T19:43:00.000-04:00

From the "Worst designed license plates" category.

So I'm up here in Minnesota and was walking to the club the last night with the other comic and I saw one of those license plates that are designed to help preserve wildlife.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for preserving wildlife and natural habitats. It's just when I saw this Minnesota license plate I think Minnesota is talking about preservation in a most interesting manner.

O.K. maybe it's just me, but probably not. The first thing the other comic and I saw was that it looks like you got one deer humping another deer.

Then again, if the plates are about preserving wildlife, what better way to do it!

Two Four Six

2007-03-08T16:23:00.000-05:00

Two comedians

Four

Six audience members
(There are two way in the back)

Another reason why I make the big bucks. Six people. I'm what's known in the business as 'a draw'.

Poor Samsung Customer Service

2007-03-08T13:12:00.000-05:00

This is the condition a printer I received from Samsung arrived to me. I opened the box and this is how the printer was. I wrote the word "Dirt!" in there with my finger and sent them this picture so they could see how bad the unit was when I received it.

I worked dilegently with a Tammy Sullivan from Samsung and she was extremely patient and helpful in trying to get the issues with this faulty line of printeres fixed.

However after several part and printer replacements I was getting worn out. When the last one they shipped came into me like this I just wanted my money back. This fiasco started in September and now here we are in March and they are now giving me the runaround on getting a refund.

Super Politically Correct.

2007-03-08T11:30:00.000-05:00

This has to be the most pleasant sign I've ever seen to basically say, "Hey, jackass, if you steal our towels we are going to charge you for it!"

O.K we have all taken our share of towels from Holiday Inns back in the day but has anyone you know actually tried to walk out with an ironing board?

If you can casually walk by the front desk while you are checking out with an ironing board under your arms like that is completely normal you are to cool. You deserve to keep it.

By the way, don't ask how I was able to obtain this placard so I could take a picture of it. :-)

Things black folks won't do

2007-03-05T11:26:00.000-05:00

Check out this video. It will go under the file, "Things that black people will never do".

Or it could go under the file, "We have to invent a sport that blacks can't be better than us at"

http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?pmmsid=1859977

It's official.....I'm definetly a nerd.

2007-02-28T16:03:00.000-05:00

How do I know this. Well first off the book I'm currently reading. Well, probably the fact that I'm reading a book is nerdy enough. However, there is more. I don't even remember how it came up in our house one day but the subject of Greek Mythology came up. I used to know all the Gods and their names but that information has long since left my brain to store knowledge I really need. Like everytime a fly lands it takes a dump.

Yeah, I don't know if that is true or not but somebody told me that years ago and I've never forgotten that.

So instead of using that spare corner of my brain for things like Greek and Roman Mythology I remember that instead.

So anyway I'm now reading the book, "Mythology, Timeless Tales of Gods and Heroes"

But in the immortal words of Ron Popiel, "..but wait, there's more"

I was going through the channels one night trying to find something interesting in the 500 channels of crap.

I eventually came upon BBC America and Dr. Who was on. Now, I've been a nerd since back in the day and remember watching Dr. Who in his fourth incarnation. Dude, that scarf rocks!

Anyhows, I don't think I had seen the show since then. It looks like he was The Dr from 74-81. See, once a nerd.....always a nerd. You can't escape it.

So I started watching this newest series with the ninth Dr. So I've been really enjoying the show and caught the season finale last night to find out he is only spending one season as the Dr.

See, I even went online and did som Dr. Who research.

Well the reason the research all got started was because of an overbite. Let me explain. His companion I had to look up and found out she is actually a british singer named Billie Piper.

See, it is that in American T.V. and movies you NEVER see an actor or actress with an overbite. (Unless it's fake of course)

So after doing some research I come across "She dies in the series." So, now I'm thinking oh great, now I already know what is going to happen.

So as I'm watching the season finale waiting on her to die to my surprise she lives and the new Dr. Who is introduced. Well, now I find out that the season I was watching was actually two seasons ago and I didn't find on the BBC America website any information about the new season.

Great, guess I'll be getting them on Netflix.

Worse than hearing there are "Snakes on a Plane"

2007-02-28T13:12:00.000-05:00

During a recent flight from Chicago to Cleveland in what can only be described as an adventure in waiting. There was something said that evidently the flight attendant must not have thought out before uttering.

After we had already sat about an hour waiting to board the plane, and then after sitting on the plane for about an hour the flight attendant comes on and makes this announcement.

"As you can see we are ready to go, unfortunately we can not find our pilots" (I sh*t you not, that was her actual quote)

Well me being the smart a$$ that I am, (translation, having a big mouth and speaking before thinking blurts out) "Well, I hope they aren't at the bar!"

So after about another 30 minutes on the plane to avoid a "Jet Blue" incident they actually let us get off the plane to go get food or snacks. (There was no food on the plane and you can only drink so much ligquid for sustenance). Well, of course this was the one day I decided to pass on breakfast as I was figuring I would land in about an hour and get something to eat.

After sitting around for an unexpected extra 3 or 4 hours your stomach has a way of saying "Idiot, I told you to eat breakfast!"

(Recommendation for travelers, at Chicago O'hare you can enjoy a delicious lunch of a bag of honey roasted peanuts and a 20 ounce diet coke for only $6)

I would have had a real meal but didn't have my proper papers on me to fill out the loan application to buy a hamburger.

What is wrong with this headline?

2007-02-28T13:01:00.000-05:00

"Virgin Mary on a Pizza Pan"

There are some things in life that you just can't make up. It is also apparent that some peoples beliefs are so far fetched that they would stretch their imaginations to their limits.

Here is the Pizza Pan in question.

O.K. maybe it's just because I'm a guy but if anything it looks like a penis to me.

From what I've heard there is a rumor that there is an image of Jesus rising from the Crust of the dough of the $5 Hot N Ready Pizza at the little Ceasers in Buffalo.

The Bumblemobile

2007-01-19T22:09:00.000-05:00

This is the rental card I ended up picking up!
The Bumblemobile?
The Yellow Hornet?

I didn't even think rental cars came in Blinding Yellow. The good thing about it is I am guaranteed to not lose it in any parking lot.

I also think I've never rented a car that was a two door. I don't think I've been in a two door car since my 20's.

It didn't even dawn on me until I tried to put my baggage in the pack seat that something was wrong.

When I picked the car up (in the underground parking lot, i.e. no sun, at the Milwaukee airport) it was a balmy 6 degrees so there was no way I was walking back the 20 feet to the counter to ask for another car. Of course after a few days of driving in the U.P. snow the car isn't exactly yellow at the moment. It's a cross between roadside dirt black and the Dirt We Put Down Instead of Salt brown that is used in the U.P.

On the road to Wisconsin

2007-01-17T20:37:00.000-05:00

On the road to Wisconsin or Why I’m an Idiot

I’m currently sitting in the Terminal of Cleveland Hopkins Airport. One of those big city airports that even though they are aware most travelers have to sit for an hour or two waiting on their flight and that a lot of those people carry laptops don’t want to provide free internet service. Therefore I’m typing this on Word to be uploaded later.

Several months’ back I booked this week to do shows in Eau Claire, Wisconsin and Houghton, Michigan. If you don’t know where Houghton, Michigan is get a map and look at Canada. It’ about as far north as you can go in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan without quite being in Canada.

I booked this so I could work with my good friend Darryl Rhoades, of course right after we confirmed it I thought, “What the hell were we thinking, the U.P. in January??!!”

Well fortunately this January the weather in Ohio has been in the 50’s. Well, until yesterday. When I woke up this morning the temperature was a balmy 17 degrees with a wind chill of 6.

Here is the start of this trip so far. I bought coffee and cookie this morning on my way in and a pack of gum to have after the coffee. Well, of course I left my gum and cookie in my car in the parking lot.

Check in was nice and easy. I always worry about being late for a flight. One person in front of me checking their bags in and NO ONE in front of me for the security check point…SWEET! So as I’m doing the required strip down to board a plane from Cleveland to Milwaukee…a common terrorist route. (God, I hope no one is watching me over my shoulder typing this or my next entry will be typed from prison for typing the dreaded T word). So I’m going through the security checkpoint…shoeless…and have my wallet in my hand. The security guard says, “Sir, you have to put your wallet in your pocket or I’ll have to search you.” Your guess is as good as mine, I guess Homeland Security is worried about people assaulting the security guards with cheap imitation leather.

Well, so then I’m sitting at my gate and it’s pretty quiet so I’m half asleep when another person in the area is found out to be….A LOUD TALKER. You know, the guy that gets on his cell phone and assumes the person on the other end must not have their hearing aids in.

Since I’m awake I am now sitting here drinking some horrible coffee and a eating a stale doughnut….because that’s the way I roll.

Hopefully I’ll have new entries for you as this journey into the Great White North continues.

Some things get better over time.

2007-01-15T11:24:00.000-05:00

It seems that this has over the last several years become a tradition for me as I work on the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, I take time to listen to the "I have a Dream Speech."

Each year when I listen to it I still get goosebumps. I admire anyone that has so much conviction in their beliefs that they will follow through for the benefit of others knowing that it could cost them their life.

While I like most people get off for Memorial Day and Labor Day, the Martin Luther King holiday still seems to be one that only Federal employees get off for some reason.

Please take some time from your schedule to listen to this speech.

The City of Akron and my Trash Can

2006-11-22T13:38:00.000-05:00

Crap. First off I had typed this long story with pictures and everything and while working on it erased it. So, here goes again.

A few weeks back the City of Akron gave us our new trashcans. (You know, the type the rich folks in the suburbs use) No more trashbags on the curbs for us! I'm sure this is breaking the hearts of The Trash People. (Read that, it's one of my favorite entries)

So I'm dropping my son off to school and we see the trash truck coming down the street. So I drop him off and come back home to find my trash can and mailbox entangled in a way that just isn't right for a mail box.

Stupid me, I'm thinking. "Well, I'll go see what the note says on my door". Of course, much to my unamazement of course there was no note on the door. Oh, and thank you paperboy for making sure you only missed the BIG puddle by mere inches. After all, that whole maybe 20 feet from me driveway to the porch is way to much to maybe, Oh I don't know, TOSS THE PAPER UP THERE!

So I call the City of Akrons new tax funded 311 phone system from my home phone. (Since it's local you can't call from a cell phone)

So the first person says why don't you fill out a claim fix it and the city will reimburse me. Yeah right, and this pigs will fly out of my butt next Tuesday.

So I tell her, well you guys broke it, so you guys need to fix it.

So now I get switched over to the sanatation department.

(At this time I saving this as a draft so I can eat lunch and will finish this post later)

O.K. I'm back. So the sanitation department says he'll send the foreman around and they'll get back to me. So sure as crap the foreman doesn't show up until I call back again then amazingly, "He's on his way now"

So the foreman I guess takes a look at it must evidently be as smart as I am because he agrees that the mailbox is knocked down.

I get a call back from the sanitation department saying the will somebody out to fix it. So guess what, the next day I have to call them again since no one showed up.

Finally the day after that they send out some brain whiz who decides putting it back in the hole good enough that a bird landing on it could knock it over was good enough.

At this point I'm so irritated it's time to bring in the big guns.

So I look up my councilman and hopefully he is somebody I voted for.

Enter Mr. Kilby. He tells me he just had an incident with the santation department himself. They are supposed to still pick up tires but didn't pick up the ones he left out. So he called the sanitation department and they told him they would come and get them. He didn't pull the "I'm the councilman card" to see if they would do it.

Well, it must have been that same foreman because they didn't show up to pick up his tires either.

But wait, there's more. So now he comes by the next day with the Parks department. Now only in the city of Akron, is the Parks department responsible for taking care of the devil strip. (Look it up, I think it's an Ohio thing)

So he calls me yesterday to see if they came out and fixed it yet. Well, as of today my mailbox still looks like it does in the picture above.

It's supposed to be fixed sometime this week. So now we wait.........

Straight from the headlines!

2006-10-28T19:06:00.000-04:00

KINGSTON, Jamaica (AP) - Former heavyweight champion Trevor Berbick was found dead in a church courtyard Saturday with chop wounds to his head in a suspected homicide.

Now this is just funny!

2006-10-27T16:07:00.000-04:00

You know everyone on the set had to try to keep from busting out laughing during this story!

Who says that a period is a bad time of the month!

2006-10-26T12:15:00.000-04:00

Not to long ago my wife recieved one of those free sample things in the mail. Well this one was from the Always company and I s*@t you not. Their new slogan.....

Have a Happy Period.

I swear, you can't make that stuff up. Even my wife and daughther both got a laugh out of that one.

In the words of Ron Popeil, "But wait, there's more!"

I wanted to do my research so googled in the phrase, "Have a happy period" and the always company actually has a website that shows up first when you type that in.

http://www.beinggirl.com/en_US/happy/pages/index.jsp

However, once again..."But wait, there's more!"

If you scroll down the page, once again I s*#t you not, you can actually send your friends or loved ones a "Have a happy period E-card"

http://www.beinggirl.com/en_US/happy/pages/ecards.jsp

My favorite one is the one that has the saying, "You have the right to make it the best period it can possibly be."

O.K. how do you make it the best period it could possibly be. I can see THAT conversation happening.

"You call that a period? Girlfriend I've seen periods and the end of a sentence with more spotting than that. When you learn how to bleed like a real woman give me a call. Until then....."Have a happy period!"

What's next? From Ex-lax. "Have a healthy dump for to good of God and your country"

Why I didn't take this picture

2006-10-07T14:10:00.000-04:00

Something pretty cool happened yesterday in Toledo Ohio of all places. Actually a little south of Toledo. I was out doing some geocaching when I saw a huge bird circling pretty low overhead. At first I thought it was a buzzard as they are pretty common in Ohio. The closer I got I noticed that the bird had a white head and a white tail feathers.
I would not have thought I would have seen bald eagles in Ohio. That was pretty cool.
Now, the picture above isn't from my camera. My camera. I found this picture on the Internet.
The reason being is my digital camera has this really neat feature. There is a little warning on it to let you know when your battery is low. What it does is it comes up with a message saying "Low Battery" and then the battery dies so you can't take any more pictures.
Basically that is a really nice feature to have. It's kind of pointless to have the ability to take say one more picture when the camera can use that battery energy instead to tell me the battery is going to die before I can take one more picture.

Eric meets Whitney

2006-10-06T02:13:00.000-04:00

O.K. you have to admit this is a pretty good look alike. She had me fooled for a minute even though I was wondering what the hell Whitney Houston would be doing in Toledo. :)

However, if you've ever been to Toledo it's the place to go it is the type of town you would hang out in if you need to take care of your crack habit.

She even seemed to be quite buzzed while taking this photo. Now knowing my luck not only was this not Whitney Houston but it's a pretty good chance it was a guy in drag. Hey, one day though when I'm one of those old grandfathers that lie to their kids I'll never tell them it wasn't her.

It's important that you make sure your grandkids respect you more than they do their own parents. After all what are thier parents going to do if you lie? It's not like they are going to tell them, "Don't believe our granddad, he's full of crap!"

Only from the government.

2006-10-02T14:31:00.000-04:00

Only the state of Ohio will take time to send me monthly notices to let me know there are no changes to the sales tax. So basically they send out a notice to let you know there is no need to send you the notice they are sending.

"This is notification that there will be no rate changes effective November 1, 2006. All rate changes as well as notice of no rate changes can be found on our Web site at tax.ohio.gov on the Sales & Use Tax Page at the link below:"

Have you ever noticed.....

2006-09-22T11:12:00.000-04:00

Not to sound like Andy Rooney, but have ever noticed whenever anyone starts off a conversation with, "I don't mean to bore you with this...." the very next thing they proceed to do is to bore you with it?

Handicapped Parking

2006-08-03T10:02:00.000-04:00

The other day I'm at the library, because that's the way I roll, and I noticed that the handicapped parking spot had a sign similar to this one.

So I was trying to figure out why the fine is $50 to $300. Are there vaying rates of unhandicappedness that I'm not aware of. If you park in the handicapped spot and get out of your car in running shoes and your sports bra do you get the $300 fine? If you get out of the car and you have a slight limp from the softball game last night then I supposed you get hit with the $50 'it's kind of O.K. ' fine.

Of course if you park in a handicap spot and you aren't handicapped, by taking that spot away from a handicapped person that means by default you are mentally handicapped so maybe it should be O.K. for you to park there. Except I don't know what kind of sticker you would have to have on your car to point out you are mentally handicapped. Maybe it could just be a picture of a guy sitting in front of a TV set watching Jerry Springer.

Note to all guys (and girls) part two.

2006-07-26T10:19:00.000-04:00

Note: To all guys (and girls) who wear those cell phone earpieces. If you wear them while you are driving good for you to talk hands free.

However, I usually see people wearing them in the gas station, at the mall, in restaurants, etc.

I know you may think, "Dude, I look so cool and hip with this awesome new high tech gear!"

1. Most of the time I see people with these things on they usually aren't talking to anyone because outside of their little word, they really are not as popular as they think.

2. As the post below about the cars with flames. You don't look cool, you look like a dork.

3. You actually more look like the post below. Everytime I see one of those earsets in someones ear I just want to go up to them and say, "Hello, you must be 7 of 9." (Only the reel geeks will get that reference.)

That gives you something to think about in itself. If someone as geeky as ME thinks you look dorky than you can only imagine how dorky you must really look!

"Hey baby! I'm 7 of 9, want to hook up?"

Note to all guys

2006-07-26T10:10:00.000-04:00

Any person that is over the age of 18, hell, I'll even stretch it and give you to the age of 21. If your car, truck, motorcycle, moped, bike, scooter, or any other means of transportation has ANY kind of design that incorporates flames it is not cool. Chicks will not look at your car and want you because your car has flames.

It just makes you look like a dork.

My idea for a new collaboration.

2006-06-28T10:29:00.000-04:00

How about a new duet. Matisyahu and Sean Paul.

It would definetly be a song that would be good to dance to. It could bring Jews and blacks, or hispanics. What is Sean Paul anyway? Paul is not really a name of Mexican decent.

It would bring the people of both cultures together as they will spend decades trying to dechipher the lyrics from their songs.

Keep your ears open for the first single, "Mumble, mumble something mumble what?"

Masters of misdirection

2006-06-27T12:51:00.000-04:00

Once again those political knuckleheads in Washington are at it again.

Last election instead of focusing on the war, the economy, oil prices etc. The politicians succesfully made the American population focus on gay marriage.

(Note to Congress-Just because you may not want to gay people to 'marry' each other no matter how hard you try I don't think you can 'un-gay' somebody)

Now those knuckleheads are at it again. War? No. Oil Prices? No. The Economy? No? North Korea? No. Irag? No. Iran? No.

Now they nimrods are trying to once again avoid the important issues for that all so important issue of Flag Burning. Yes, they are ready to screw around the Constitution and try to add an amendment to make flag burning against the law via a Constitutional amendment.

Now a few quick questions.

1. By a show of hands... How many of you have actually ever seen anyone burn a flag? O.K. let me change that. How many of you have actually seen anyone in AMERICA burn a flag? Do you really think that the terrorist that we see burning flags are going to say. "Abdul, we better stop this, it is illegal in America!"

2. Do you actually have any idea how hard it is to actually find an American flag that is actually MADE in America? Go ahead, try to find one.

That's not right!

2006-06-01T22:39:00.000-04:00

There are some things in life that should just not be done. Now no matter if you are a fan of Guns' N Roses are not you have to admit that back in the day they rocked. I still dig quite a few of their songs and have several of them I listen to on my I-pod occasionally. (Yes, the brother is down with GNR)

While working in Germantown, WI last week I heard something that should never have been done. Now, occasionally a cover song can be good. However, SHERYL CROW, should NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER, do a cover of a GNR song. Yes, I actually heard Sheryl Crow do a cover of Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N Roses. It was so horrible that I had to find out who was butchering, I mean, singing it. Sheryl stop it, just stop.....

Why this person irritates me.

2006-05-17T14:39:00.000-04:00

Who is this person and why does she irritate me? She is no one famous. Actually there is a 99.999% chance you have no idea who she is. I don't even know much about her except her name is Victoria Banit.

The reason she irritates me is not a personal one. It's people of her ilk. She is a realtor. Now, there is nothing wrong with that in itself. The house across the street from me is for sale and is listed by http://www.victoriabanit.com/

Therefore, maybe wrongly, I'm going to assume this person is Victoria Banit. The reason she irritates me is there is something going on in the Real Estate industry that is quite annoying. Why in the name of God do 9 out of 10 For Sale signs have to have the photo done by Glamour Shots or your High School year book photo on the sign. If someone is buying a house, I really don't think their deciding factor will be. "Well, the real esate agent had this really nice necklace on the sign out front."

Also, if your reasons for buying a home are based on a 10 year old High School yearbook photo, Please don't move in across the street from me.

Alligators kill 3 in Florida in one week

2006-05-16T14:40:00.000-04:00

News release: After 3 deaths of humans by alligators in Florida in the last week, the Bush administration and the Department of Homeland Security have raised the "Alligator Terrorist threat level" to code periwinkle.

It has been determined that these are specially trained Al-A-Qaedaors . Not to be confused with the domestig Alligator.

One of the terrorist Al-A-Qaeders has been spotted in a remote pond in Timbucktoo. An immediate offensive of 25 B-2 Stealth Bombers and the 152nd Walmart division of the National Guard have been dispatched to protect us Americans from this threat.

The Department of Homeland Security has issued these safety tips to avoid being attacked by the terrorist Al-A-Qaeders.

1. By ducttape

Dick Cheneys' Haliburton company will shortly be coming into the area under a 2 billion dollar contract to rebuild the swamp that was drained to catch this Al-A-Qaeder.

Some things just aren't right.

2006-05-03T15:56:00.000-04:00

There is an old saying that "Love is Blind." Evidentally love must also be a eunuch. This 33 year old man recently married this 104 year old woman! 33.................104................. A very important fact here. She is not rich............. We are all probably thinking the same thing now, and it's so gross that even "I" don't want to broach that subject. Now onthe other side we have Anna Nicole and an 80 something year old billionaire. (Whose money she is fighting for right now) Now in this situation everyone on planet earth knew what this about. Also, if this guy was a billionaire let's not act like he didn't know he was paying for a VERY expensibe piece of ass. When you are worth billions I suppose you overpay for products. Now, what I don't get if you are going to by a billion dollar piece of ass, at least don't do your shopping and the local trailer park. C'mon man, you could have done so much better. To be honest to inherit a few billion that could have been me sitting on his lap!

How hungry can a person be?

2006-03-13T23:28:00.000-05:00

Last week on my way up to Goodrich, Michigan I made a stop on the way.

There was person in front of me that was purchashing an Egg Salad sandwhich. Now I know you may think that that's bad enough in itself. (In itself? that doesn't sound like proper english)

As they say on those Ronco commercials, "But wait, there's more!"

This was not a freshly made Egg Salad sandwhich, it was one of those pre packaged sandwhiches, "but wait, there's more!"

This was not a restaurant stop, not even a truck stop. This was at a Speedway gas station! Why on earth would anyone want to put an Egg Salad sandwhich into their bowels (a prepackeged Speedway sandwhich nonetheless) into their bowels during a road trip must only be to punish the other person in the car with them.

Conversation dont's

2006-03-08T15:10:00.000-05:00

Recently someone I was talking to started off a conversation with this sentence:

"The other day I was watching a show about ice....."

O.K. If you EVER find yourself starting a conversation with "The other day I was watching a show about ice...." STOP. For the love of God, stop..

This is wrong on SO many levels.

1. You should not let people know that you actually had the time to watch a show about ice.

2. Say the word out loud to yourself "ice".. Does it sound like anything interesting can be said about ice? Unless it's a compound word like icepick, iceskate, icefishing, etc., Plus besides icepick even the words in that list are a stretch at the best.

I'm a draw.

2006-03-05T17:51:00.000-05:00

Date: February 4th, 2006

Eric Kirkland plays to two packed shows in Cleveland, Ohio!

Yep, 8 people a show in a several hundred seat theatre!

Idiot of the Day

2006-02-15T16:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a persons name just really seems to fit them. Finally after a few days have passed Vice President "Dick" Cheney has decided to speak.

Getting past what he even said, what surprised me the most was this statement.

"Texas officials said the shooting was an accident and no charges have been brought against the vice president."

For some reason I don't think that would have happened in ANY other incident if someone got shot in the face.

What really irks me is back when Clinton was getting orally pleasured in the White House Congress had to get together and hold hearings and drag him through the mud. Now Dick Cheney can shoot a guy in the face, cause the guy to have a 'mild heart attack' and all he gets is a "It was and accident, let's move along folks". Pure and utter BS.

Getting old

2006-02-04T01:57:00.000-05:00

This is what I refer to as our "Antique Table" The table is actually a sewing machine my wife inherited from her Grandmother.

The clock was a retirement gift for my mother.

Now the phone on the left amazingly actually still works. It was quite interesting to watch me son try to figure out how to dial on a rotary dial phone.

Anyway, what dawned on me is I remember growing up that phone being used in our house.

You know you are getting old when an item you once used in your lifetime is now considered and antique.

Two nights... Two Views

2006-02-04T01:47:00.000-05:00

There is one thing you learn being an entertainer. No matter how nice of a hotel you manage to get for a gig, as the entertainment you will always manage to get that one certain room.

Usually it's the room that is one of the following.

1. Next to an elevator shaft
2. Next to the icemaker
3. All the way at the end of the hall from the elevator.
4. On the side of the building that has no parking
6. The handicapped room
7. The room with no batteries in the remote
8. The room that the heat/air doesn't work right or is extremely loud.
9. The room next to the main entrance with in and out traffic.
10. The room next to the bar
11. The room next to the slot machines (Casino gigs)

Or like on a recent tour I took, you get "The room with a view"

Here are two pictures from two consecutive nights, in two different cities, in two different hotels.

Yep, nothing gets a man motivated on a nice sunny day like brick!

Goodbye to one of our own

2006-01-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

A friend recently informed me of the pointless murder of a good man.

Blair Shannon may not have been a household name but when I was informed by my friend if I knew Blair the first words out of my mouth were, "I haven't seen him a LONG time, he's a really nice guy!"

While I hadn't worked with or seen Blair in several years I remembered him as soon as I heard the name. You usually only remember a person by name that quickly for one of two reasons. The person is an a-hole or, like in the case of Blair, the person left such a positive memorable impression on you that you remember them in a heartbeat.

I remember Blair as being a very positive and very happy guy.

It's a shame that the comedy world has lost one of the really good guys well before his time due to a random act of violence.

Peace be with you my brother.

Idiot of the Day (Still not done daily)

2006-01-12T18:28:00.000-05:00

Sometime this is just so easy it's not a challenge. The latest idiot of the day is Pat Robertson. Pat needs to open his eyes more and shut his mouth more often.

Let us review some of Pat Robertson's earlier blunders.

1. In regards to a Pennsylvania town who decided to not go with teaching "Intelligent Design"

''I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected Him from your city.''

2. On activist judges

''I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings.''

3. The latest, suggesting that Ariel Sharons stroke was retribution from God

''You read the Bible and he says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.'''

I think every time Pat Robertson opens his mouth God is probably saying. "Oh me! What is this idiot going to say now! I REALLY messed up on that one!"

I'm sure God is sitting up in heaven thinking. Hmm, world hunger, hurricanes, floods.... I'm bored, think I'll give that Jew a stroke, that'll teach him!

I'm getting so sick of people like Pat Robertson and his ilk that feel they are some communication vessel for God. What's worse are the sheep that follow people like Pat Robertson and can't see through the fog to say, "You know, I think he's gone whacko!"

Left of Center

2005-12-21T18:11:00.000-05:00

Click on image to view full size

Losing respect for the NAACP

2005-12-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

Over the last several years the NAACP has appeared to lose it's focus. They are becoming more of a political party than a cause for their namesake.

With actions like the president of the NAACP of the Philidelphia chapter, J. Whyatt Mondesire, saying things like this:

Mondesire, publisher of the Philadelphia Sunday Sun, criticized McNabb in a column in his newspaper on Dec. 4.
He wrote that McNabb's tendency to run the ball early in his career "not only confused defenses, it also thrilled Eagles fans," but that abandoning that element "by claiming that 'everybody expects black quarterbacks to scramble' not only amounts to a breach of faith but also belittles the real struggles of black athletes who've had to overcome real racial stereotypcasting in addition to downright segregation."
Mondesire said the bottom line is that McNabb is "not that good."

This tells me several things.
1. Mondesire is abusing is power with the NAACP to get articles published. If he wasn't the president of the NAACP philly chapter do you thing this would have even been published?

2. Maybe I'm wrong, but I would think the NAACP has bigger things to worry about than Donavan McNaab and Terrell Owens.

3. If this Mondesire knew anything about sports he would know that McNaab has already been in the league 7 years. Most running backs don't have long carreers. McNaab 'may' not be able to run like he used too.

4. Most of the successful 'long term' QB's have been pocket QB's. Elway, Marino, now Manning, etc.

Idiot of the Day

2005-11-29T18:30:00.000-05:00

Now, I know this may be hard to imagine but todays Idiot of the Day (Still not done daily, or even monthly for that point) is another politician.

By the way, I'm still trying to figure out why the picture on the left is his picture on his website, and the picture on the right is a recent picture. Here I thought us comics had a bad habit of using out of date pictures.

This time it is Republican Senator Arlen Specter from Pennsylvania who recently dropped these words of wisdom. (By the way, I'm not being biased towards Republicans. I didn't even know he was a Republican but hey, if the shoe fits.....)

"It's a restraint of trade for them to do that, and the thought crosses my mind, it might be a violation of antitrust laws," Specter said.

Now the thing to remember here is that Specter chairs the Judiciary Committee. Basically he is saying that the Judiciary Committe could possibly look into the matter.

MEMO TO CONGRESS:
STAY THE HELL OUT OF SPORTS, THAT'S NOT WHY WE VOTED FOR YOU MORONS.

WORRY ABOUT TRIVIAL THINGS LIKE PUBLIC SCHOOLS, WAR IN IRAQ, TERRORIST THREATS AND GET BACK TO THE IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE STEROIDS IN BASEBALL AND TERRELL OWENS LATER!!!!

Left of Center

2005-11-25T18:25:00.000-05:00

My second attempt to become the worlds worse drawn cartoon. Guess this is why I do stand up and not artwork.

Click on the image to view it in a size you can actually read it.

Worlds best warning labels

2005-11-19T02:45:00.000-05:00

These came off the plastic bag a computer was packed in. They are funny enough on their own that I don't even need to ad any commentary.

Ken Severa and Eric Kirkland

2005-11-18T11:49:00.000-05:00

Ken Severa and I worked Savarino's.
I love this one nighter and try to get in there once a year. They do monthly shows over the winter months. We had over 300 people packed in this show rocked! See you folks next year!

The Boondocks

2005-11-06T23:39:00.000-05:00

After several weeks of build up "The Boondocks" finally premiered tonight on Adult Swim.

There were several scenes that did make me laugh out loud.

If you are offended by the "N" word you don't want to watch this show. But I don't think they drop it just to drop it. The scenes where they do drop it were funny as hell to be honest.

The show wasn't as shocking as I thought it would be but I think I was looking SO forward to it that I was just a little bit disappointed.

However, I already know that I'm a fan and will be hooked, especially now since we are past the first episode where characters had to pe introduced.

If you want to see something funny check out "The Boondocks" at 11:00 P.M. Eastern Sunday nights on Adult Swim on Cartoon Network.

Left of Center

2005-10-29T13:28:00.000-04:00

You may have to click on the image to make it big enough to see. As you can plainly tell I have absolutely no artistict talent whatsoever.

How Dobie Maxwell almost killed me

2005-10-29T03:27:00.000-04:00

First off Dobie Maxwell is a comedian friend of mine. The other night I was driving home from a show in Muncie, Indiana where I was working with Wynn Reichert. It was pretty late as we had a good crowd so the show went a little long.

I had Dobie's CD he gave me and decided to listen to it on the way home. I had stopped at a Hardee's to get a bite to eat and was getting towards the end of the CD. The last track is a bit where he had some obnoxius female heckler in the audience that wouldn't shut up.

So I'm listening to this cracking up and take a bite out of my burger when I hear the line.
"It's women like you are the reason that O.J. was set free.". Well that is when I damn near choked on the piece of burger I was eating! Thanks for damn near killing me on the middle of I-70 somewhere in Indiana Dobie!

Damn near choked again later when I'm drinking my shake and hit's this lady with. "You are like one of those turds in the toilet that no matter how many times you flush it just won't go away!"

If you guys ever see Dobie pick up the CD. Even if you don't see him visit his website and pick it up.

Old School Pimpin'

2005-10-03T18:58:00.000-04:00

If you've seen my show you know I always go up with a hat on stage. One of the staff at the Funny Farm had this hat and let me wear it when I went up on stage Saturday night. I tried to get her to sell it to me but no dice. I've got to get me one of these.

By the way, I know I'm dorky but part of this picture is an illusion. I'm not carrying a samurai sword on my back.

A 'question' of cleavage.

2005-10-03T18:34:00.000-04:00

She said this is what happens when you are 16 and drunk.

I think it's just someone who was really a fan. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Most comics like to make the bright lights and the big cities. I just like to make the bright light and the big ti... time, yeah, big time!

The DK lady

2005-10-03T18:22:00.000-04:00

Never let looks decieve you. While working at Pesto's in Grand Blanc Michigan with Darryl Rhoades somehow the term Donkey Punch was brought up and I told him what it was as I had recently found out. Well, being the people that we are we decided to see how many different ways we could get it into the show and how many people would know what it was. I beat him to the punch (no pun intended) by doing the offstage intro and saying "Pestos, the home of the Donkey Punch". Well this woman was cracking up every time we got it in and after the show ended up informing Darryl and I of what an "Angry Dragon" is. Whomever she is about to marry is getting a freak on her hands. Funny thing is she was sitting with her future mother in law who I'm sure would be asking her later. "So, what is this Donkey Punch thing that was so funny?"

Idiot of the Day (which still isn't done daily)

2005-09-27T18:28:00.000-04:00

With my newsletter going out in a few days I thought I wasn't going to have an Idiot of the Month (see, here it's idiot of the day, on the Newsletter it's idiot of the month) until I saw todays quotes by former FEMA head Mike Brown. Oh, by the way, he was reassigned but still on the government payroll.

My favorite quote is this one. What the hell, go ahead and kick Louisiana while they are down.

"My biggest mistake was not recognizing by Saturday that Louisiana was dysfunctional," two days before the storm hit, Brown said.

Dysfunctional? That's the best he could come up with? Also, unlike most politicians who at least even though we know they don't mean it take some blame this a-hole won't take any. He has pointed blame to the following

Louisiana Governer Kathleen Blanco
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin
The Dept. of Homeland Security
"a hysteric media"
Army Lt. Gen. Russel Honore, the military coordinator for the disaster whom he called "A Bull in a China closet"
"Americans themselves must play a more active role in preparing for natural disasters - and not expect more from the government than it can deliver."

Hmm, seems like everyone here is to blame except himself, FEMA, and his buddy "W"

Another sign of hitting it big!

2005-09-24T15:15:00.000-04:00

Well, getting beyond the point that the sign says Comedy Sept 8th even though it was Sept 22nd when we did the show.

It's nice to know that you aren't quite top billing above "Friday Nite Live with Bubba" but at least you are considered higher billing than. "Line Dancing Wednesday"

Retarded Heckler

2005-09-21T18:27:00.000-04:00

I don't even remember what joke I was doing at the time when this guy during the silence before the punch line yelled out

"Git R Done"

So I got out my camera and said I'm going to take a picture of this retarded heckler and put it up on the web page.

I swear if I hear one more person use in any context whatsoever "Get R Done" I'm kicking them in the gonads.

How to get into a comedy hole.

2005-09-21T18:18:00.000-04:00

Most of you that have seen me perform know that I like talking to the audience sometimes during my show.

This particular couple I was talking to and the conversation went pretty much like this.

Me: "So, how long have you two been married"
Her: "(O.K. I don't remember how long they said)
Me: "So, did you guys go on a honeymoon?"
Her" "Yes"
Me. "Where did you go"
Her: "Tennessee"
(Insert audience and my own laughter here)
Me: "O.K. I've been doing this about 15 years and have NEVER had anyone say 'Tennessee', why Tennesse? Did you want to go somewhere with more white trash then you have in Merrillville?" (I'm all about making friends)
Her: "No, originally we were going to go on a cruise"
Me: "Stop, how do you go from going on a cruise to going to Tennessee?"
Her: "Well you see his dad died"
Me: "So, you had to go to a funeral on your honeymoon?"
They: "Yes"
Me: "O.K. thanks for brining to the show to a halt, not to many places I can go after that. Lady I'll give you some advice, next time just lie."

(Me, whew, I was able to get the crowd back after that last line)

So at that point I took my camera out of my pocket and took a picture and said I would put it on my website as the people who brought my show to a halt, and as they say, the rest is history.

Bill Bushart, Sean, and myself

2005-09-21T18:10:00.000-04:00

From Wisecrakers comedy club in Merrillville, IN. (In case you were thinking the sign said Wisecakers and was wondering what the heck a Wisecaker is)

Bill Bushart, Sean the MC, and myself.

Kicking it "Old School" at the pump

2005-09-21T17:40:00.000-04:00

This is for you kids that may have never seen one of these "old school" gas pumps.

This was at a Gas Station outside of Spring Lake Michigan where I stopped to get gas.

The sign notes that the price listed is per 1/2 gallon. The attendant told me that these pumps aren't even capable of going higher than $2.99 a gallon.

5 signs you are entering comedy hell.

2005-09-21T17:33:00.000-04:00

Surprisingly they are all on this one sign.

1. Note we didn't even have our names posted. We have been duly noted as "Thing 1" and "Thing 2"

2. Free. For comedy shows Free=Hell

3. Note the high quality of this sign. You know that no expense is spared on the advertising budget.

4. No talking has to be stressed and underlined before you even enter the room

5. Minimum age 18

What's the point?

2005-09-17T12:23:00.000-04:00

So, first off, no I'm not staying at the Ritz. I just grabbed this picture off of the net.

I am staying at a really nice hotel though. The Radisson in Merrelville, IN. My point is I often wonder what is the point of the Do Not Disturb sign. I'm in my room working on the PC and sure as crap with that big ass DO NOT DISTURB sign on my door housekeeping still bangs on the door. In most places if they don't come knocking on the door if you have your DO NOT DISTURB sign up then they will call you on the phone and wake you up that way.

ADDENDUM:

So, I went out for a few hours and I get back to my room and sure enough housekeeping is my room cleaning. ARGHH!! I hate that, see, I'm such a slob that I feel like I have to clean my room before housekeeping can come in and clean my room.

Gary Fields-Kalamazoo, MI

2005-09-08T18:26:00.000-04:00

Rico Bruce Wade came out and did a guess set Saturday night proving that no comedians actually look anything like their headshots!

From L-R Gary Fields with the "Macho Pose",Me, Rico Bruce Wade, (sounds like a serial killer, serial killers always have that middle name thing going), and Joe Dunckel.

One of the first things Joe said after seeing me after several years was basically "I didn't recognize you, you've gotten so big and old!" Thanks buddy! :-)

By the way, the Reverse Double-Stuff Oreo posing in this picture was not intentional.

Strange folks

2005-09-07T18:40:00.000-04:00

This was a strange conversation I had with a complete stranger today. Please keep in mind this was a serious conversation the whole time.

I was in a waiting area and there was another guy there and myself and they were showing some of the footage from the waters in New Orleans. I'll try to quote this as best I can.

Stranger: "You got any people down there?"
Me: "Fortunately no I don't, do you?"
Stranger: "Yes I got some people in Biloxi (and a few other places he mentioned)"
Me: "Have you heard from any of them?"
Stranger: "No not yet.
I never cared for it down there in New Orleans where they built that city so low"
Me: "Yes, it's kind of scary building a city that big below sea level with the water being held back by levies"
(Now this is where it gets good, remember this is a serious conversation with no humor at all.)
Stranger: "Yep, that the exact same thing that happened to Atlantis, they built it below sea level"

At this time amazingly I was able to find something to distract me and leave.

The "Fabulous" life of an entertainer

2005-09-04T02:32:00.000-04:00

People think that the life of an entertainer is all big time glitz and living the life of luxury. O.K. granted as I'm writing this I'm staying on the 'executive' floor of the Radisson in Kalamazoo. I almost feel guilty about it. It's one of those deals when I get in the elevator to get to my floor I have to use a special key. I feel like I have to keep telling people when they ask that it was a mix up and they had to upgrade me to this floor.

Anyhows, this is the rarity and not the norm. For example, my accomodations Tuesday night was at the Pines Motel in Pentwater, MI.

You may ask why I'm waiting so late in the week to post these pictures. Well, it's not like I could have done it at the Pines as the rooms have no phones. I also could not get a signal on my cell phone. I felt like a castaway on Gilligans' Island.

I did end up watching the DVD Dodgeball on my laptop. I watched it on my laptop as by the picture below you may not be able to tell but the screen on this T.V. was smaller than the screen on my laptop.

By the way. For those of you under the age of 30 or so those funny lookig things on the T.V. are called 'knobs'. See way back in the stone age when these types of T.V.s were made you actually had to get up, walk across the room, and change the channel.

Strange art at the 'Zoo

2005-09-04T02:16:00.000-04:00

Kalamazoo, Michigan that is.
I went out and did some Geocaching the other day and came across this strange artwork at a park named "The Mayors Park" in Kalamazoo.

Strang Artwork

Upon closer inspection this is on one of the poles

Now that is what you want your kids to see when taking them out to a day in the park. Something to give them nightmares about!

Record Breaking Crowds in Indy!

2005-08-16T19:24:00.000-04:00

This club could be really nice if they would market it. It's inside an Adams Mark hotel in a really nice setting and a nice stage. However, since the show isn't marketed it won't be around long.

Friday first show was cancelled:

Audience from Friday Late Show

Sat Early Show

Sat Late Show

Things to do in traffic

2005-08-15T19:44:00.000-04:00

If you happen to be driving across say I-96 and you are sitting in traffic so long that you notice your car has exactly 44,444 miles on it and you are still sitting in traffic so long that you have enough time to reach into your glove compartment, take your camera out of it's case and take a picture because you have been sitting so long that you notice your car is STILL saying 44,444 miles take a picture. What else do you have to do while sitting in traffic on I-96 while your car hits 44,444 miles?

Vanity Plates

2005-08-15T19:36:00.000-04:00

I have nothing against people that have Vanity License Plates for their vehicles. However today when I went to lunch I wish I would have had my camera with me. I parked in front of a truck that had Vanity plates that said "1 Jedi 1", now remember, these are actual REAL plates, not the fake plates you can put on the front of a car for states that don't require front plates)

Now, I can be just as much as a Star Wars fan as the next guy but when you have license plates that say "1 Jedi 1" I'm thinking that is only because you can't put on your plates. "Hello, I'm a loser who wants to guarantee that no woman will ever have sex with me"

Dobie, Eric and City Council

2005-08-15T17:48:00.000-04:00

This is the first time I've had a chance to work with Dobie Maxwell. Dobie is an extremely funny guy and a cool guy to hang out with. We had the pleasure of hitting Meijers after the show as we both needed toiletries. (Not a very macho word there) Hey, but the guy was cool enough to by me some Wendys (the food, not the hooker, I paid for that on my own) and of course since I didn't check my order until I got back to my hotel room it was screwed up. I swear I think "Plain with cheese only" must be french for "Throw every piece of crap you have on my burger please".

The lady in the middle, is Clara Shepard,she is the head of city council for Muskegon. (Nothing like seeing your elected officials out partying on Thursday nights!) Just kidding, she was a super nice lady and had a great time, and evidentally Dobie likes pointing at her left breast.

If I stayed in Muskegon she would get my vote just because she didn't act like the typical politician at all. Real down to earth lady.

As a matter of fact she was talking to Dobie and I after the show while I was selling my SINGLE* T shirts and we were talking about the youngsters and she told Dobie and I. "Women are like brooms, the new ones may sweep pretty good but the old ones already know where the dust is!" :-)

ARGHH!!

2005-08-12T01:27:00.000-04:00

O.K. first off a minute ago I was typing a quick entry about how tired I am right now so I was just doing a quick entry. Well I don't know what the heck I did but somehow while running a spell check that entry just disappeared.

It's been that type of day. At one point on the way here to Muskegon, MI I got stuck in traffic for nearly an hour.

So about an hour before the show or so I get in the shower. Well I bent over to turn the water on to realize the last person in this hotel room evidently left the shower head on. I must admit, nothing gives you a quick energy blast like an unexpected blast of cold water on the back of the head.

So after I get out of the shower, about 30 minutes to show time, I get dressed and realized I left my deodorant at home. So of course there are no drugstores or anything like that near by so I have to go to the gas station 3 blocks down the street. So I drive down there, (didn't want to walk 3 blocks on a hot summer evening with no deodorant)

So I get that done and now I'm at about 15 minutes to show time and go to brush my teeth and you guessed it, left that at home too.

So after the show the other comic and I drive the 10-15 minutes to the closed Meijer's to pick up some toiletries. So we stop by the Wendy's and since this is the time I didn't check my order of course I get back to the hotel and since I like my hamburgers with cheese only of course my burger had everything on it known to man kind. I guess my only saving grace this day has been at least the vending machine down the hall didn't take my money. Nothing like a late night dinner of vending machine cookies.

How stupid can you get

2005-08-05T17:55:00.000-04:00

So the other day I'm hanging out with some of my Hispanic friends and it just so happens at the time there were speaking Spanish. Some dumb redneck had the gall to come over and say.

"Hey, if you can't learn to speak English you need to leave the United States and go back to Puerto Rico!"

O.K. so that didn't actually happen but I think it's a funny joke and I don't wan't to forget it. If I have to explain why that joke is funny then you should go back to school.

The things you find out.

2005-07-26T18:54:00.000-04:00

I was bored today so did a google. (I guess that googling is a verb now). I'm more of a googler, in the past I was a Yahooer. (Not to be confused with being a yahoo which some people would certainly say I still am)

Anyhows, the search did turn up my site, a lot of information on some boxer and it turned up this link.

CGHIA

Go there and check it out. I actually sent Eric Kirkland an e-mail. (No, not me, that would just be plain silly now wouldn't it)

I did tell him that I'm a stand up comic and as any of you that have seen my show know all I wear are Hockey Jerseys on stage so I'm trying to get him to hook me up with one. I could be the only touring comedian with a Colorado Climax Jersey. (Ha, love that name). Just think of it, my opening bit alone on how I got the Jersey has a new ten minutes of material alone.

So if anyone reads this go to that link and ask Eric Kirkland, (no not me, the other one, remember, I'm "The Artist Formerly Known as Eric Kirkland" because so many people kept coming to my shows expecting to see a hockey game)

Question?

2005-07-19T23:49:00.000-04:00

Where do those people on the side of the road with the "Will Work for Food" signs get such good magic markers?

Idiot of the Day?

2005-07-19T19:18:00.000-04:00

For my "Idiot of the Day" award I could just point to the guy in the middle but then I would have the same post 365 days a year.

The Idiot of the Day award is not going to the young women in the picture either. They are members of the Northwestern Universty Women's (duh) LaCrosse Team.

The Idiot of the Day award is going to AOL who decided this was a story newsworthy of their front page. A second nod goes to the Chicago Tribune who decided to make this a front page story.

(I must admit though, where I work I do think it is kind of tacky when the women wear flip flops to work. I haven't seen any of the guys wearing sandals yet)

The issue is their is now a big controversy because the women in the photo decided to wear flip flops to the white house. (Hmm, LaCrosse players in 'comfortable' shoes. Good for the stereotype ladies)

The story did of some good quotes like this one:

''Don't even ask me about the flip-flops,'' said the mother of player Aly Josephs. ''It mortified me.''
Lady, if the thought of your daughter wearing Flip Flops "mortifies" you I hope you can handle it when she tells you she's gay! I'm willing to go out on a limb and bet about %99.9 of parents with their daughters in college WISH the only thing that they had to worry about was their daughters wore a pair of flip flops to the Whitehouse.

Another good quote:
''Nobody was wearing old beach flip-flops,'' said Josephs, who wore a $16 brown pair with rhinestones.
You think she is having one of those moments where she wish she could take that quote back. We've all been there where we have said something and didn't realize til later how stupid we sounded at the time. If you never have experienced that feeling then you are basically saying stupid things all the time and just don't realize it.

I guess being male I've learned something here. $5 flip flops=bad-$16 flip flops=fashionable.

Another quote:
''I tried to think of something that would go well with my outfit and at the same time not be that uncomfortable. But at the same time not disrespect the White House.''

There's a fashion dilemma for you ladies. Next time you co-ordinate your outfit make sure you wear shoes that are 'respectful.' Leave your Rodney Dangerfield shoes at home in the closet.

I'm not crazy but this actually bothers me.

2005-07-19T19:00:00.000-04:00

So I'm at work today doing my 'nerd' thing taking care of computer related issues. It just so happens we have web filtering software at work since it seems to be normal human behavior to think. "Hey I'm at work, guess I'll download some porn!"

So anyway, the filter sometimes blocks the good sites also and we have to manually give access to those sites.

As I'm doing this today I noticed that for people to have access I have to put them in the "whitelist." Where do the bad ones go? You guessed it the "blacklist." I won't even get started on the computer terminology where the main drive is called the "master" and the backup drive is called the "slave." At least some manufacturers have started calling them 'primary' and 'secondary'.

As I started to think about this black and white thing it has bugged me for a while because children are basically brought up thinking white is good and black is evil. Examples you say:?

White Witch= Good Black Witch=Bad
White Magic=Good Black Magic=Bad
Cowboys in White Hats=Good Cowboys in Black Hats=Bad (O.K. that one is kind of old school)
and the topper:
Angel Food cake is white and Devils Food cake is black. What's up with that?

Rusty, Phe, and Me!

2005-06-28T17:28:00.000-04:00

This is Rusty from B -95 in Flint, Michigan, Phenecia Banks and myself. (Um, I'm the one in the middle)

I worked with Phenecia at the Holly Hotel last weekend. We had a great time (except for a couple of idiots at the Friday late show we won't mention)

I always enjoy working the Holly Hotel as George and Chrissy are two of the best people to work for. Now that I've been there several times Chrissy finally recognizes me when I walk in. ;-)

Rusty was the host for the Sunday night show at Maxies' in Flint, Michigan. I must say when I pulled up about 25 minutes before show time and saw the sign outside said "Free comedy" I thought that this gig was going to suck. Trust me, normally any show that is 'free' you get a bunch of jerkwads. However, even though the crowd wasn't that big on this HOT Sunday night the people that showed up were alot of fun. They did not heckle like you would expect from a free show and you could tell they were comedy veterans as they all paid attention to the show. Even the people at the bar in the back of the room.

Rusty was awesome as he got every single reference I made during the show. (Or else he was just laughing to make me feel good)

I need better pet names

2005-06-24T00:38:00.000-04:00

First off I have a cat that technically didn't have a name until we took her to the vet a few years back. The cat still 'technically' doesn't have a name. I guess she does but I don't know how to spell it. The cat will only come anyway if she feels like it. It's such a cat thing.

She will come to you (if she feels like it) when you make the cat sound. Kind of a tch, tch, tch, tch. Well we had to take her to the vet years ago and they asked what her name was we couldn't say Tch, tch, tch, tch. So the cat's unofficial name is Dinah. Still have no idea where my daughter came up with that name.

Well what made me think about that today was I had to call a vet to make an appointment for my other pet that I've had for about 11 or 12 years now. No not a dog. I have a pet snake (no jokes please). I think I have the only snake that seems to be blind and can't smell a rat in front of it's face so it's off for a $49 vet visit. (I think visits to MY doctors office are cheaper).

Well, once again. I didn't name my pet myself. Years ago my niece noticed a pattern on the snake that led to the pet's name. So hear is the conversation I had with the vet today. Remember, we are talking about a snake.

Me: Hello, I need to bring my snake in for a visit.
Vet: What seems to be the problem.
Me: I think he can't see, he can't seem to find the food right in front of him even though he tries.
Vet: We can make an appointment for today or next week. (Evidentally my snake can get in quiker for an appointment than I can with my doctor also.)
Me: I'm on my way out of town today, let's shoot for next week.
Vet: How does Tuesday sound?
Me: Sound good.
Vet: What is the snakes name?
Me: Um...
Vet: ??
Me: "Pumpkin"

So the moral of the story, don't give your pet's stupid names because you'll have to say them seriously to someone someday.

Sheesh, I still can't beleive I have a snake named Pumpkin.

Vet:

Pimp my....bike??

2005-06-18T23:16:00.000-04:00

Pimp my ride!

Some things you don't need a comedian to add his comments to it to make it funny. This pictures was taken by someone while visiting Central Park.

It's hard to figure out what is worse in the picture.

1. The bike itself
2. Being from Ohio I'm thinking, "Oh great, he would be wearing an Indians hat!"
3. The leather biking gloves.
4. The "Pimp Daddy Spare Tire"
5. The "Yeah, you are digging my ride pose" (Like the person who took the pictures wasn't doing all it took to keep from busting a gut.

I'm in the wrong line of business.

2005-06-16T18:59:00.000-04:00

I look goofy now, but I'll soon be rich!

Above is a picture of Jennifer "Bug Eyes" Wilbanks. She is better known as "The Runaway Bride.".

She left her husband at the alter and the city of Duluth, Georgia spent nearly $43,000 to search for her. Wilbanks has repaid $13,249.

So what's my beef? She has signed with an literary agent for a cool $500,000. The agent is now pushing the idea into being made into a T.V. movie. (20 to 1 odds right now you know this will be a Lifetime Origianal Movie). I swear to God, I don't want to hear any crap from anyone that makes fun of me watching wrestling anymore.

Maybe I'm getting old. I remember the way it was taught to kids way back in the stone age before things like..fire. You work hard, save your money, and you will be O.K. in life. It appears now to be "Hey, do something REALLY stupid, make suckers out of a bunch a people, and write a book"

So today I'm thinking of quitting the workforce and doing one of the following to make it. Agents, please send advance checks if you want to talk to me about my 'life story'.

1. I will go on national T.V. and tell my wife after 8 years of marriage that I'm really not a man and she has been sleeping with another woman all these years. (Crap, thing Springer beat me to that one)

2. I will be a live in house guest with no visible means of support and wait for my celebrity ex football player landlord to get off with murder.

3. I will have hundreds of thousands of hard working citizens watch me make fun of thier everyday jobs like my rich a$$ would ever actually HAVE to work. Then I'll make an erotic video of me eating hamburgers for commercial purposes.

4. I'm going to change my name to George Steven Lucas Spielberg and come up with a line of toys and then make movies based on the toys!

Hello retirement!!!

Idiot of the Day

2005-06-13T16:31:00.000-04:00

Idiot of the Day

Today's Idiot of the Day (which for some reason is STILL not done daily) Is Kathy Trant.

Kathy wants us to feel sorry for her because due to depression over losing her husband in the War in Iraq she blew through 5 million dollars!

When her husband died in the war she received after taxes 2 million from The Federal Victim Compensation Fund and another 3 million from friends and family. (I can't even hit my family up for a $20)

Part of her excuse is due to depression. That I can understand, but with 5 million in hand why not spend some of that money on something stupid like, oh, counseling maybe?

She gave her former housekeeper $15,000 to buy a home in El Salvador, she spent $70,000 to take six friends to the Super Bowl and another $30,000 for a trip for 20 to the Bahamas.

She spent $1.5 million to nearly triple the size of her suburban New York home. She spent $350,000 on the back yard, installing a full basketball court also equipped for volleyball, tennis and Rollerblading, a heated pool and a hot tub.

Her walk-in closet houses a $500,000 shoe collection, gowns by Versace and Capelli that go for $5,000 each and Fendi and Judith Leiber handbags, also $5,000 per bag.

Most of the women I know when they get depressed they do silly things like eat chocolate.

Maybe I'm just old school but sometimes I get sick and tired of people that have to make up excuses because they are idiots. Just the other day someone was telling me about how one of their friend was going through a bitter divorce because after the lost of their mom they turned to drugs and alcohol. Guess what, sack it up! Thousands of people, including myself, lose loved ones. Simply put, death is a part of life. However, for a person to want me to feel sorry for them because they blew through 5 million dollars because of depression, that's something that just isn't going to happen.

What riles me up in situation like these is I feel for the people who could only donate a buck or two for these types of funds so a woman like this can go out and buy $5000 hand bags and take her friends to the Super Bowl. What a friggin joke!

The other thing that chaps my a$$ is knowing that the amount she received was partially calculated on a formula on what her husband was expected to make. Her husband was making over $130,000 plus bonuses. He died in the World Trade Center. My question would be how much do spouses of soldiers get that actually are dying in Iraq on government pay? The people with two and three kids living on the army base. Maybe I'm wrong but I bet there won't be any kind of 2 million dollar check in their future unless they hit the lottery.

Welcome to Bloomington, Illinois!

2005-06-11T19:06:00.000-04:00

This sign is what you see when you are coming into Bloomington, IL from the southside of town. Good thing it's there! I was being chased by a group of skinheads, but when we saw this sign we all stopped, held hands, and sang Kum-Bi-Ya.

After that we all went further north up the road and ate at Uncle Tom's pancake house!

Some places a brother can't eat.

2005-06-11T01:45:00.000-04:00

Worse than Denny's or Cracker Barrell.

This is an actual restaurant in Bloomington, IL. Uncle Tom's Pancake House, wonder if I drive up the road further if I'll drive past "Chicken George's Chicken Shack"

One of the best songs ever

2005-06-11T01:00:00.000-04:00

If you get a chance go to www.r-kelly.com where you can listen to "Trapped In The Closet Vol 1-5" (Note, as of today only Chapters 1-3 are up on his website)

I downloaded Chapter 1 to my I-pod a while ago. Today I was listening to my XM-Radio and heard the whole series. In my opinion R-Kelly is one of the most prolific and talented songwriters off our day. I do a little bit of lyrical writing and wish I could write like this.

Be sure to listen to "Trapped in the Closet Vol 1-5", as it states on the website it is an 'Epic Urban Soap Opera." The video for Chapter 1 is also on the website. It will be interesting to see the whole 5 set video when it comes out. It appears the CD will have the video on DVD when it comes out July 5th.

One of the best concerts I saw was earlier this year when I saw R. Kelly and Jay-Z in concert.

Some things no one needs to see

2005-06-07T18:48:00.000-04:00

So I'm walking across a hot parking lot today to get from one business building to another building on another side of the street.

It's currenlty 88 degrees at the moment, even though the weather software on my P.C. says it FEELS like it's only 87 degrees. Well, what I saw earlier was just about at high noon when it was probably about 5 to 10 degrees hotter.

I noticed this guy going into the building was dressed completely in black, full length pants, long sleeve jacket. I'm thinking this guy has got to be burning up.

When I saw the guy leaving he was getting into his very nice Mercedes been convertible. Remind you VERY nice Mercedes been convertible. As the man got into his car I noticed underneath the black jacket and vest was the little strip of white on the collar. Yes, he was a preist.

Well, at least he has faith that God won't strike him down with a heatstroke. However, I also didn't know it was commonplace for priest these days to cruise around the streets in Mercedes Benz convertibles. (One again a VERY nice Mercedes Benz convertible) Maybe I'm just out of touch but I thought there was something about worldly possessions and being vain that members of the clergy were supposed to follow.

While apparently the Catholic Church is having financial difficulties their priest seem to be taken care of very well these days. Even though I thought a Mercedes Benz Convertible (A VERY nice Mercedes Benz Convertible) would usually be driven by a middle age man going through a mid life crises. I can see in the mind of the middle age balding man that he would think it's a chick magnet. Even though that's one of those things I never understood was equating your penis size to your automobile. Good thing too since I drive a Hyundai Elantra. My wife and daughter have bigger cars than I do. While I can't vouch for my daughter I know for certain my wife doesn't have a bigger penis than mine.

So I'm trying to figure out why a Catholic priest would be driving a car that is a chick magnet. It's not like Catholic priest have been known for their womanizing ways. If anything I could understand it more if they guy would have been driving an Ice Cream Truck or a Big Wheel.

Idiot of the Day Award

2005-06-01T23:48:00.000-04:00

Idiot of the Day Award

Today's Idiot of the Day Award (which for some reason is STILL not done daily) goes to the Toy Biz company.

Somehow someone at Toy Biz must have been on a drunken bender one night and pissed off at his kids and came up with the great idea, "I have the perfect idea for a kids costume, FIRE!" (Might as well throw in a free pack of cigarettes to complete the ensemble)

Now wasn't it just several years ago that Beavis and Butthead were no longer to even allowed to say "FIRE, FIRE!" on thier show?

I'm sure the lawyers are just lining up waiting for the first kid that decides the fake fire lights in the costume just don't quite cut it.

Bumpers

2005-06-01T17:38:00.000-04:00

Hyundai

The above picture actually has nothing to do with what I'm writing about. I just know that pictures are great 'eye catchers' for the reader.

The above car at least IS the type of car I have, except mine is black, and dirty, and has bugs all over the windshield, has a $400 dent in the hood I need to get fixed, doesn't have the side moldings, (I think, crap, now I have to look out the window to see) O.K. no moldings.

Anyhows, as I was stuck in traffic yesterday, for some unknown reason I was thinking about the drivers behind me, and how they were so close I couldn't see their front bumpers. Then it dawned on me that I beleive cars on US roads have to have "5 mph" bumpers.

Now, first off, what the heck is the point in that. I was trying to drive 5 mph and don't think I could even do it. I've been in cars where the speedometer starts at 5 so that would make it really hard to make sure your 5 mph bumpers is actually effective.

I was thinking even harder and dont' even know if there is anyplace in America that has a speed limit of 5 mph. I pull into the parking spot at the grocery store driving more the 5 mph.

I guess I shouldn't complain as now I feel safe in the knowledge that if I get into a 5 mph head on collision my vehicle and I will be O.K.

Well technically if it's a head on collision hopefully the other driver and I aren't driving over 2 1/2 mph each!

Idiot of the Day Award.

2005-05-24T18:00:00.000-04:00

Idiot of the day

Yes, I know this may be hard to believe but my Idiot of the Day Award (which by the way, I don't do daily for some reason) is actually being awarded to a politician.

The above picture is of Spencer Bachus, he is:
1. A Congressman
2. A republican
3. From Alabama

I know just for those reasons alone he could hands down take the Idiot of the Day Award. However to sound like an infomercial, "But wait, there's more..."

Congressman Backass feels that comedian Bill Maher has committed an act of treason. I quote from Congressman Bakass below:

"I think it borders on treason," Bachus said. "In treason, one definition is to undermine the effort or national security of our country."

So what did Bill Maher do to be called out for treason? Did he plant a bomb? Did he give away secret military locations? Did he send funds to terrorists? No, he's done something much worse!! He made a couple of friggin jokes!

Here below are Mahar's treasonous comments in reference to the Army missing it's recruiting goal by 42 percent.

"More people joined the Michael Jackson fan club," Maher said. "We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit, and now we need warm bodies."

O.K. now, I don't care if you agree with him or not but come on, that Jackson line is funny!

Hmm, I'm still trying to figure out the part where that quote is "undermining the effort or national security of our country". Guess I'll have to spend some time breaking the Bill Maher secret terrorist code hidden in that message.

Mr. Backass, quit trying to get your mug on television by worrying about what joke some comedian said. Why not tackle more important issues with your position in Congress. Little stupid things like education, war in Iraq, Social Security....

I know those issues aren't' really that important since The House and Congress have more important thing to worry about like comedians jokes, and whether Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds are doing steroids.

When I see hearings on steroids in baseball, I'm glad to see my tax dollars at work tackling those important issues.

As far as Mr. Maher's comments, agree with them or not. I "thought" that was what we were fighting for, so the people in Iraq would be like us and have the ability to have free speech without being accused of treason.

The Trash People

2005-05-17T17:26:00.000-04:00

There is a certain element of society that is cruising your neighborhoods in the wee hours of the morning.

These people have a mission, to discreetly, and early in the morning go through your trash.

Yes, I'm referring to the element of society that we affectionately know as "The Trash People".

They don't have to be "White Trash People". The Trash People come in all races and religions. (Except Jewish, no REAL Jew would be caught dead going through another persons trash).

I suppose you could say that the "The Trash People" have a benefit to society. They take your trash, and instead of it going to some overfilled landfill, they do the community in which they live a favor by taking the trash and storing it in their backyards and garages where they do good to all the animals in the world by insuring that the rats, mice, and roaches have a place to live.

There are many rankings amongst the Trash People.

(The Professional)
The professional Trash People will accept nothing but the best trash. They will not dilly dally and wait for silly things like sunrise. The Professional Trash People have been known to be at your curb almost before your trash hits the ground.

(The Amateur)
These are the laziest of the Trash People. They do silly things like get a good nights sleep and waiting for the sun to rise before digging through your trash. They are satisfied with third hand trash. (The Professionals get the second hand trash)

(The Stalker)
I actually had an encounter with The Trash Stalker over the weekend. We have one in our neighborhood. The stalker is the person you see once or twice a year if you are holding a yard sale. This neighbor speaks to us once a year, only when we are having a yard sale. He shows up, "High, how is the weather!" as he secretly is scoping our display of crap we are trying to get rid of that he doesn't want to spend $2 on.

Well, because I'm an evil person he will be in for a surprise this trash day. It won't be like previous years where he waited until we threw out the items that didn't sale.

That 20 year old T.V. that we are trying to sell for $2, if he thinks he's coming on trash day and getting it for free he will discover the newly shattered screen with a note saying "Eat me!"

The clothes will be given to the Salvation Army, and the rest of the trash bags will each be filled with a generous helping supplied by Dinah. Dinah is my overweight cat who has more than graciously agreed to oversupply her litter box so each trash bag will have an extra little gift for The Stalker.

Important message about Cell Phones

2005-05-14T02:30:00.000-04:00

No jokes in this post. Learned something about cell phones today that I was unaware of. About a month or two ago I switched my cell phone over from Alltel to Verizon.

My 8 year old wanted to play with my old cell phone. Since the number was ported over to the new phone about a month or so ago I didnt' have to worry about him placing any calls. (So I thought).

I verified before giving him the phone that he could play with, it dial numbers, and didn't have to worry.

He told me he wanted to dial 991. (He keeps wanting to call it 991 instead of 911). So he's outside playing with the phone and comes back in in a panic because he said somene answered the phone and he knows not to call 911 unless it's an emergency.

To verify I called 911 from the cell phone myself and sure as crap somebody answered. So I explained to them what happened.

So to make a short story long, even if your cell phone has it's service disconnected it appears that you can still carry it around for an emergency if you need to dial 911. (I don't know if that works with all cell phones or not)